Same Girl, More Adventures

Awhile ago I posted an update on Little One's allergies. 
Since I've had a few questions from family lately about how Her fevers are going, let me give Little One more reason to slap me with a HIPAA lawsuit someday. Bring it, Little One!
I don't talk about the fevers as much as the allergies, because unlike food allergies, which other people can have a lot to do with making worse/better, there is nothing anyone can do about Her fevers.  Not even me.  And I'm the mom.  I'm supposed to have super-kiss-it-better-powers!
But they are a big part of our lives, nonetheless.
Little One has a glitch in Her immune system that causes Her to spike high fevers about once a month, for about a week.  They come with lovely side attractions like vomiting and lymph nodes the size of ping-pong balls.  So much fun! 
Let me tell you something about Little One.  She is tough.  I mean, this kid is tough as nails.  How much is inborn, how much is building up a tolerance for discomfort after a small lifetime as a human pincushion, who knows.  But my girl is so tough, She doesn't even know She's being tough.
So most people don't notice.
Think about it.  A week of fever that comes every month. That's a quarter of Her life.
Most people don't notice that 1/4 of the time, She is experiencing something that would have most kids crying and pouting in bed.  And practically all adults.  Because She is tough, and because Her parents take the stance of, "this is your life so go live with it", She goes about Her business- school, swimming lessons, chores- even though She is fevered and in pain. 
To the average observer, Little One might seem like a kid that's due a nap.  A little bit droopy, a little bit grumpy.  A little bit.  Almost no one can tell that She's powering through a really tough week.  And we don't bring it up.
Before we knew what was going on, when She got sick we would baby Her a little.  Let Her lie on the couch, let Her eat soup.  Then the week after the fever was as rough on us as the week during; it took that long to readjust to having to follow the rules and the schedule and not being a Special Case anymore.  Well if we keep that up, it's literally half our lives spent off-kilter.  It's telling Her over and over that She's a victim and She Can't.  No thanks.
So She might be a little grumpy at a playdate, but I'm not going to skip it. Or say, "Sorry. She's running a fever of 103, taking three medicines, and hasn't kept down any food today.  It's not really Her fault She's a bit fussy."  I don't want Her to hear me say that this thing, normal for Her, is an excuse, or that I think She needs to be apologized for.  I'll just let Little One know that if She's too tired to play, we can go home.  She decides.  Sometimes we do, but we say She's tired and leave it at that.
Unlike food allergies, which anymore are pretty common, fever syndromes are still pretty rare.  So I also don't talk about it much because I get blank stares.  No, it doesn't really make sense.  It's an odd disorder.  No, She's not contagious; She's not actually ill.  Her body is just attacking itself for awhile.  Luckily my girl can take a self-beating and keep on kicking.
Still.  Just because we don't make too much fuss about it doesn't mean is isn't hard.  For Her, there are a lot of times She is expected to achieve and behave as usual when She just feels like crap.
For Her parents, between fevers we all but forget them.  It feels like they are no big deal.
But when one hits, it's misery.  It is misery to see my baby having to fight hard to get through a day.  An onlooker might not be able to tell how bad She feels, but I can.  She might not cry or whine one bit.  But when She just can't swallow Her dinner, She falls into my lap ready for bed two hours early, and looks up at me with these big, suffering eyes...it breaks my heart a little.
My super-kiss-it-better-powers fail me here, Peanuts.  In the middle of a fever, it is a big deal. We can't remember why we ever thought it wasn't a big deal.  We want to sell our internal organs if it will make it go away so She can feel better.  And then She wakes up in the morning, fine.  And we move on; we forget about it again for a few weeks.  It's a roller-coaster for us all.
The high demands of burning like that for a week each month ratchets Her metabolism up so that She needs a special calorie drink and a careful diet to get through the days without running out of energy.  But Her teacher can't understand why I keep bothering them about why She hasn't had Her snack at school.  She has to have it, I try to explain.  Every day.  One missed snack a day and She will dive off the growth curve and send all Her specialists into a tizzy fit.  I get to be That Crazy Mom. 
This summer, after a couple particularly bad rounds of fever, we agreed to try high-dose steroids.  It was like a miracle.  One dose and She'd wake up the next day as good as new.  One day a month is SO much better than a week.  SO much.
But the problem, which is common for fever syndrome kids, is that while the drugs shortened the fevers, it also caused them to come closer together.  Closer and closer, until we were having to give them to Her every two weeks instead of once a month.  Hard to say how much better that is.
So now we are considering third-line treatment, which is surgery.  In a little over half of cases, a tonsillectomy has been found to "cure" this fever syndrome.  Maybe not forever, but for at least a good long while.  Maybe by then She will be old enough that Her body will have stopped this cycle; it usually does happen on its own around puberty.
I know it's a minor, common procedure.  But it's still hard to elect to put your child under a knife.
I know I have found comfort scanning the internet for blogs of fever-syndrome moms.  It helps to know that though it's a rare problem, She's not the only one going through it, and it helps to see how other parents handle managing it for their kids. So maybe someone will read here and know there's someone who gets what you are going through, who is facing the same kinds of decisions.  If so I hope you share your story and advice in the comments.
For those who are just part of the Little One fan club, now you know Her better.  In the next week or so we will see the ENT guy and decide whether to try the surgery.  I'll let those of you who are curious know how it goes.  In the meantime, if you meet Little One She might be fighting or recovering from a fever.  But if you ask Her how She is, She'll tell you, "Good!" Which is exactly what She is. 

Four

A friend of mine pointed out recently that I had referenced my current brood as "four under four", when in fact that's not quite true.  Four four-and-under would be more accurate, and even that's only until next week.  Because Little One is about to be five. 
AH! How did it happen?!
But it's undeniable, especially since She seems to astound me with Her maturity almost constantly these days.  I don't just mean the part where She sneaks into my make-up and eye-shadows Herself every morning, or the part where She shamelessly flirts with the boys in Her class.  I shall choose to ignore those parts. 
I mean the way She looks after the littler Littles.  The way She says to me about the book She has worked on for weeks at school and couldn't wait to show me- "It's ok Baby Banana chewed it up, mom.  He's jus' a baby, he didn't know it was a special book.  The 'portant part is he didn't get choked on the paper, right?  I can make a new cover for it sometime."
It's the way She asks for extra veggies to be "healfy", the way She cleans up without being asked. 
It's the fact that when we talked about Her birthday party, all on Her own She asked if Her guests could bring donations for the homeless instead of presents.  Since "I'll probably get one from Nana and Grandma anyways, and I don't need too much more of stuffs than that.  But if people bring presents for the homeless people we see, we could give them things and they do need them.  I think I would like to do that better". 
It's seeing Her ride a bike with training wheels, it's working together on math each afternoon.  It is, sadly, the passing from memory of the afternoon nap.  And one more thing. 
Little One has learned to read.
Not just a few letters or a word or two.  To really read.
Every day at story time, and each night before bed, I read two books to the Littles, and, now, Little One reads us one.  She reads The Cat In The Hat, The Giving Tree, whatever we've found at the library this week. She reads with emotion and emphasis- I can hear the exclamation points in Her voice.  
I love it.  I'm not sure I've loved much in the world quite as much as I love hearing Her read.
She Herself has turned a key, opening a door which leads to, well, absolutely everything.  The whole wide world is there for Her now, just waiting for Her to discover it.  All of human knowledge and accomplishment is now at Her fingertips.  She can learn anything! She can travel limitless worlds of imagination and poetry.  She can arm Herself against anything, because there is an answer out there, and now no one can stop Her from finding it.
I feel that She has found wings, a shield, and a way to share the wonderful everything that is in Her own heart and mind.  There is nothing more powerful than words.  Now, Little One has them all at Her fingertips.  As a mother who worries (as we mothers do) I've found this to be one of the most reassuring events of my whole life. 
Watching Little One's babyhood slide into the scrapbooks is sad in some ways.  The hugs and cuddles are fewer and shorter.  My omnipotence is already fading.  Bummer on that one.  Her innocence becomes colored by an awareness of what others think, by an awareness of the ability to manipulate the truth.  Her disappointments are more real and run deeper.  Her questions become harder to answer.
But this new grown-up Little One is also a real, true help to me.  She has good ideas that work; She has interesting things to talk about.  She can be responsible, She can take care of Herself.  She is brave and compassionate and smart.  As much as I miss Her baby self, I'm proud of the little girl She's becoming, and lucky to have such a really fun, kind-hearted person in my life every day.
With Five around the bend, I only mourn the past a little bit.  If who She is now is any hint of who She will become, I'm as excited as an almost-five about to have a birthday party about the years ahead of us. Even if I do have to share my make up. 

Things Are Going....Swimmingly.

Now that J is home (yay!),  things are running right along at home. We have a rhythm going. 
The Baby Banana is as adorable as it is possible to be.  Baby Banana relishes the attention of the Littles and so they pour it on.  They jump along with the jumper (in fact Little One is the one who taught BB to jump!) they bring soft toys to jingle, and help BB practice babbles and silly faces.  Little One sits in front when BB does tummy time and gently pulls BB onto Her lap.  BB curls up and rests on Her thigh, sucks on those fingers and coos.  Little One melts.  She croons- "Oh baaaby, pretty baaaby, you are so sweeeet.  You are a daaaarling, a wonderful baaaaby.  How I love you! Sweet angel baaaaby!" BB is sleeping.  She melts again.
Missy asks to hold BB in Her lap.  I prop them up together on the couch; BB is almost as big as She is.  Miss looks like a proud mother hen.  "Look I'm so big gul! I a Momma! I can be so gentle see?  I can do a good job!  Hi baby! You my friend?  I think baby say yes, Mommy!"
Little Banana seems a bit younger, but is just Missy's age.  When they aren't having a standoff over who can be the Most Two, they play nicely; when Little One is around they are three peas in a pod.  Missy calls Little Banana "Friend", LB calls Missy "sis-er".  The two of them follow Little One around like ducklings, to Little One's great delight.  The baby dolls in this house are exquisitely cared for. 
Little Banana has been here long enough to begin settling in and testing me carefully. What if I say "no"? Lb wonders. What if I dangle this piece of turkey over the floor until I catch an eye, and then drop it?  What happens if I knock over Miss's milk?  Or take Her toy?  Or paint pictures on the glass with my snot?  Or refuse to eat- anything- and instead say "banana. cookie." over and over and over?  This is the nature of things.  There is an adjustment, a settling in.  A readjustment.  Typically Bananas aren't supposed to be with us long enough for that second phase. 
Since Little Mister is poised to hit this family like a precious, adorable wrecking ball in a swaddling blanket, we were only approved for short-term foster care placements.  However, there have been some twists and turns in the life story of these two particular bananas, and it appears they may be with us for some time. 
I'm sad about that, because foster care is no place for children.  I know it's an odd thing to say, but though the system is certainly better than nothing (I've seen places where there's Nothing; broken is drastically better than Nothing), it is still a mess.
I'm happy about it, because they are precious and despite the medical issues and the testing and all the car seat buckles (why has no one invented the self-buckling car seat?!) I like having them here.  It's fun having four- there are more snuggles and giggles.  I like them in particular; they are sweet little people I'm honored to know.
And then I'm sad about it again because as much as having four is fun, as much as I love these special bananas with all my heart already, taking care of them is not the hard part.  It's that broken system.  It's being constantly sent all over town to appointments which may or may not exist, with people who may or may not show up.  It's spending 3 hours every day on the phone with social workers and lawyers and various affiliated people who are all somehow involved in the Bananas' case, but who never seem to speak to each other, only to me.  ALL the time.  And they rarely agree. 
It's never being able to clean my house because there is always someone coming over to judge the cleanliness of my house.  It's being asked why I don't have them on a morning nap schedule by the same people who have insisted I drag all the children out to some meeting or doctor every. single. morning. since they have been here.  That stuff.  That's the stressful part.  A couple little kids, with or without some health issues, is no problem.  The kids are lovely.  It's the grown-ups, guys.  The grown-ups are driving me CRAZY. 
It's funny, but I had been prepared for the kids to be so much harder to deal with than any of them have been.  But, ignorantly I suppose, I was not prepared for the grown-ups to be so terribly frustrating and exhausting.  You have no idea how many times a day I want to send them to time-out. 
Instead, I am channeling my favorite cartoon fish (hey we all need a role model), and trying to just keep swimming, just keep swimming.  Luckily for me, J is my emotional life-vest as I swim, and he always gives me a little lift when I start to feel in over my head.  Luckily for me I have a few really, really good friends who have been there to help me along;
luckily my own Littles are such expert swimmers themselves that all I really have to do is try to keep up with them. 
And when it really starts to get to me, Baby Banana coos and gurgles at me with big, shiny eyes. Little Banana reaches for me and wants to sit and rock for awhile, hugging me tight.  My Littles climb up too, and for just a minute before they start to bug each other or get bored and run off to make messes, I stop swimming.  In fact, I'm floating. 
Long enough to catch my breath. Long enough to remember the Whys.  And then off we go again....swimming, just keep swimming.....

Mom Luck

Mom luck. 
The rule that dictates that only after one has cleaned the house, scrubbed the floors, and taken a shower, shall one child vomit all over Mom (and the clean floors) and the other poo all over Mom (and the clean floors) (and the clean bathroom). 
It was all going to need washing again soon anyways. 

This Beat Is Bananas

The Department of Human Services cares about me.
It cares in a diefied way, an omniscient way.  It cares about my deeper being; my long-term character development.  It wants me to be all I can be.
I know this because days like today, I feel confident that DHS knows me.  It knows my soul.  My flaws.  DHS knows that I am an impatient person.  That I am a type A, lets-get-things-done, according-to-plan person.  It knows that I have raging Mama-bear tendencies when it comes to any child within detectable existence, much less those in my care, and that rage is bad.  Rage and impatience and all of that.
DHS is like a swami, people.  It knows.
That, I am certain, is why it goes to such loving, meticulous lengths to help me overcome these character flaws, by giving me such extreme and mandatory opportunities to practice patience.  And changing of plans.  Three times.  Eight times.  16 times.  To practice not becoming ballistic when seven different people make mistakes in one day and all of them adversely affect my babies.  Rage is not a good thing.  Not a good thing.  Ooooommmmm.  DHS has even given me a mantra!
After spending three hours waddling back and forth across every wing of a hospital while pushing a decrepit double-wide stroller with one trick wheel and simultaneously balancing a two-year old on my pregnant belly, after SIX HOURS of waiting rooms and car seats with three, and then four children and NO LUNCH for anyone, after over a dozen fruitless phone calls, I can say for sure.
DHS cares about me extra today. 
How they managed to throw in the exploding diarrhea child and the vomiting baby I really don't know.  But after today I feel confident they had it all covered.  It's the omniscience.
Now it could possibly be the strained muscle from hauling a pack and play upstairs with a child on my back, but I don't think so.  I think it's just growing pains, you know, from all the personal growth.  I'm feeling it!  Thanks DHS.  I practiced patience all day.  Keep it up! Keep it coming!  Someday I'll learn.  Ommmmmmmmm. 

Bananas In Pajamas

So awhile ago, J left to go bobbing about the sea on a boat again.  Not for long, just for a bit.  Such is the Navy life.  Wouldn't you know it, he'd been gone just a day when I got a call saying there was an emergency need for two Bananas to find a place to sleep.  Four kids under five, on my own, 7 months pregnant can't be that hard, right?  Right?  ....hello?...... Right.
So they came.  In their pajamas, just in time to meet us, wonder what they'd gotten into, and go to sleep.   They've been playing and sleeping and eating and reading with us since.  After spending today at a farm/playground AND a shopping trip through a packed commissary with the lot of them, I can honestly say these things:

1) Ok, friends with large families, ok.  I always thought maybe you were being a little unfriendly, a little sensitive.  But no, really, it gets super obnoxious really fast when every other random stranger in public has some comment or invasive question about the kids you are hauling.  I mean, seriously. Call me crazy again and I will show some crazy TO you, people! 

2) The question "are they all yours?" is particularly common and particularly awkward when, no, they aren't- but, well, kind of- and anyways they are listening and probably would not love being pointed out as Not Belonging seven times a day.  So I'm going with "aren't they sweet?" as an answer. And then just laughing as they look at my belly, and the baby, and then the belly, and just stand there doing math in their heads and looking confused.

3) There needs to be a minivan version of shopping carts.

4)  Four Under Five are not that hard.  Even pregnant, even J-less.  In fact,

5) It's pretty fun.  There are a lot of extra giggles around here.  Lots of them are mine.

6) There may be nothing more inspiring than the way children can instantly accept and love each other.  What is wrong with adults that we can't do that?

7) I'm tired.

In fact, I'm too tired to make it to 10.  Let's assume it would have been something funny and/or insightful.  And on that note, I will make like my kids and the bananas, put on some pajamas, and go to bed.  There will be adventures waiting and giggling to do in the morning, I'm sure. 

Adventures of Allergy Girl

Putting up that Epipen Apron post the other day reminded me that it might be past time for an update here about that sort of thing.  I like to keep the Littles' Fan Club here posted on food allergy stuff for three reasons:
1)It helps me keep track of it all.  Let's be honest, I have the memory of an aging ex-acid-junkie.
2)There is a shocking amount of outdated or plain wrong information out there about food allergies.  This is my version of shouting from the rooftops, "A LITTLE ICE CREAM IS NOT BETTER THAN A LOT! A LITTLE DEATH IS THE SAME AS A LOT OF DEATH!"
3) Since so many of you three loyal readers spend time with the Littles in real life, I'd sure love you to know what's going on.  So you're never tempted to, say, give Little One just a little ice cream.

Last year when we moved here we went to the new pediatric allergist, who is very good and very kind.  He's a practical, evidence-based doctor, which I like.  However, because of these beneficial traits, he did not quite believe my story.
I couldn't really blame him, so when he insisted on starting from scratch and doing all the tests and challenges on Little One to See For Himself, I sighed and went along with it.  He started with bloodwork.
When the results came in, he talked about how these tests can sometimes be unreliable, and these probably were off a bit, making things look worse than they are.  So, to really know what was going on, he would need to go with the most accurate, gold-standard method of testing for allergy- the food challenge. 
Little One's food allergies are down to three:
1) Nuts (ALL nuts)
2) Dairy
3) Eggs
So we started with the one Her bloodwork shows She is least allergic to- eggs.
Allergist explained that most people with egg allergy can still tolerate egg that is baked- say in a cake or bread- because the high temperature of an oven changes the protein so that it isn't recognized by the body.  So to start with a Sure Bet, we would do that first.
I baked a batch of 18 muffins. I used ONE egg in the recipe.
We started by giving her a crumb about the size of a lentil.
He gave me a wink and a nod and said he'd check back in 15 minutes.
After three, the nurse hauled him back.
Little One's face was covered in hives, which were rapidly spreading down Her torso and arms.  Her eye was puffing up.
The Allergist just stood there dumbstruck for a moment.  His jaw actually dropped. 
And that was the end of that.

Later we came back to try milk.  Because of the first experience, instead of starting with drinking even a drop of milk, they started with a scratch test.  She was given a tiny needle prick to make an invisible disruption in the natural barrier of Her skin. Then they placed a drop of diluted milk protein- we are talking about only a few molecules of milk- on that spot.  And waited.
Before a full minute had passed, the area around that spot was covered in hives so large they exceeded the chart used by the clinic to record them.
Not only that. At some point, She must have bent Her arm, and a little of the serum, placed on Her forearm, must have touched Her bicep.  Because that part was also swollen with hives. No scratch needed!
Obviously, our "three-hour food challenge" was stopped after that one minute.  She was given benadryl and steroids and made to sit there for an hour in case She stopped breathing.  She didn't, but it sure made an impact on Allergist.

We didn't even try peanuts.  As Allergist joked, we'd better not let Her so much as look at a peanut.

"I'll be honest with you ma'am", he said to me later, "I kind of wanted to be the knight in shining armor, riding up and giving you some of your life back.  I know how hard it is to do what you are doing for your daughter.  But it turns out all I can do is ask you to,  for goodness sake, be even more careful than you already are.  Your daughter's immune response is incredible.  I called your other Allergist and boy did he remember you!  She is the most highly allergic patient either of us have ever seen. Please.  BE SO CAREFUL."

Living with Little One's food allergies is so much a part of what we do in this family, that by now it truly doesn't feel like a lot of work; it really isn't hard.  It's as natural as breathing for us to scan picnic tables for food remnants before sitting, to cut Her apple on a separate board from the one we used to slice the cheese.  It's such an automatic thing for me to keep one hawks eye on your yogurt-eating child, noting everything he touches, and one on Little One, making sure She has a wide berth, that I can do it without changing my expression or interrupting my conversation with you. When you leave my house, there isn't a surface those yogurt-eating hands have touched that I haven't scrubbed within minutes.
I don't do it while mentally cursing you and your evil, toxic snack.  I do it while chatting with the Littles about how fun the playdate was.  Because it isn't an imposition.  It's just life.  This is just the way we do things.  It's so natural that occasionally it strikes me that our normal isn't everyone's, and I have to laugh.  But all families are different.  We all have our own normal.
I don't want people to avoid us, or to scare everyone by screaming at their child to Stay Away! You had eggs for breakfast! Truly, one of the very hardest things about this is that She is old enough to feel left out, old enough to be embarrassed by being made to sit alone at lunch or pointed out by well-meaning friends.
But I do want people to understand that it's real.  That sharing "just a little" birthday cake with Her is not just going to break my anal-retentive rules, or give Her a little tummy ache.  It could be the last thing She eats. Ever.  That She isn't being rude when She won't shake your hand.  She saw you eating goldfish crackers, and knows that your unwashed hand will hurt Her.  That I'm not judging housekeeping when I point out a sticky spot on your couch to my child; I'm alerting Her to a potential danger.
We don't want to keep Her in a bubble; we have to raise Her to live, as She is, in the real world.  For the most part, we keep our epipens handy and a sharp eye, and go about life like we always would have. But it helps to have friends and family who ask before offering Her food, or give us a heads-up when they know Junior spilled peanut butter on his shirt today, and a handshake would be better than a hug.
I don't need people to freak out over what She's doing and touching- that's my job.  But it does help when they understand that we have to do some things differently, and don't mention it when we break out our own cupcake at a party, go over the restaurant booth with a wet wipe, or put a blanket down before She rides in a friend's car seat.  We're not putting on a show.  We're just doing our version of normal. 
Next month we will go back to Allergist and see where She is. To be honest I don't have any expectations that there will be nights in shining armor arriving this year, either. But that's ok.  For now we try to walk the balance between helping Her feel "normal" and teaching Her to Be SO Careful. And I try to teeter along the line between keeping Her safe and throttling the teacher that handed Her a bowl of ice cream.  Ahem. 
For all you who hang around us, thanks for accepting our version of normal, thanks for being mindful that food can be a danger for us.  And for everyone else, there's probably an allergy kid in your life somewhere too.  Maybe you can be their superhero. Maybe you could print the ingredients to the homemade treats you bring to class.  Maybe you could make sure you put your peanut shells in the trash instead of scattering them on the ground at the park.  Maybe when a parent says, "my kid can't have any" you could just say, "okay".  And then, it will be. 
 

Hugs

Tonight I got to go out to dinner with a friend. 
As far as Miss is concerned, this is unforgivable.
She cried as I was saying goodbye.  She wailed, "but but but! I want HUGS!"
"Well come here then, Missy! I have a hug for you!"
"No!" She shook Her head and took ragged breaths through Her tears, "NO want a h-hug! I. Want. ALL THE HUGS! Want them ALL!"

So When I Take Mine Off, I'm On Break?

Missy is still into babies.  OH is She into babies.
Especially now that Her older sister in in school mornings and there is no one to supersede Her in pretend games, She is a Mama all the time.  Here She is with a whole fleet of babies, each changed and fed, rocked and tucked in for naps.

Today I heard a whimpering in down the hall and went to investigate.  There She was, melted into a puddle of dress in the middle of the hall, holding a necklace and weeping. 

C: "Goodness, Missy.  What is the matter here?"

Miss: "Oh, noooo.  Oh no!  I can't.  I CAN'T!"

C: "Whoa, calm down! Calm down, love! What is the problem?  I can try to help you."

Miss sniffles: "I no can put it on.  It won't.  Won't go on.  Now, I never can.  I never be a MOM-eee!"

She held out the necklace and turned away.  The horror! She couldn't even look at it! 

C: "...You can't get the necklace on because of the clasp, and now you can't be a mommy.  Is that it."

 Miss: "A-a-a-and I WANT be a mommy! I always want be a MOMee!"

I clasped the beads around Her neck, and She clapped Her hands, relieved, and thanked me.  I had to ask.


"But Miss, why can't you be a Mommy without the necklace?"

Miss looks at me like I don't know a single thing about the world.  Obviously.

Miss: "Pi-cause.  If you be a Mommy, have a have puh-ruhls.  Mommies always have some puh-ruls.  Now I have some puh-ruls, I be a MOMMY!"

I Beat Stuff Up

C: "Ok Missy! It's time to pick up your sister.  Let's hit the road!"

Little Miss: "...You say what?! Les do WHAT mama?!"

C: "Let's hit the road.  Let's go."  

Little Miss: "Oh! But MAma! We hit the road, it can cry sometimes!  Hitting not nice mama.  That can hurt feewings."

C: "Oh, no I...it's just an expression, Miss.  It means let's get going, let's get on the road to go."

Miss: "Poor road.  Ok, how 'bout this, how 'bout we on-y hit it, jus' a little bit.  'Bout that deal, mama?"

 

In Which a Razor Reassigns My Zoological Class

Little One sat next to me on the couch and gave me a pat on the leg.
Her head cocked to one side, and She gave me another pat. 
Her brow furrowed.
She rubbed my shin.  She rubbed my knee. 

Little One: "Hmm.  Mommy? Are you sure you're a mammal?"

What a question to be asking a creature currently gestating live-birth progeny. Which will be nursed.

C: "Why, Little One of course I am.  You know all about what makes something a mammal.  Why do you ask?"

LO: "Because.  You never have any fur."

 

Ready For Takeoff

Tomorrow is the first day of school for the year. 
It's a long story, I suppose, but after some deliberation and a city-wide search worthy of Don Quixote, we decided to switch Little One to a new school this year.  Even though it would have been one of the few opportunities in Her military life to attend the same school two years in a row, we are really hoping that this change will end up being the best thing. 
It does mean that in addition to all the regular back-to-school jitters, there are New Kid jitters as well.  But we're all excited about the new school.  She has asked almost every day of summer vacation when, whenwhenwhen oh when will She ever get to start going there?! And tonight we could finally say- Tomorrow. 
The school outfit is laid out.  The snack is packed.  The epipens and inhalers and forms and papers are all packed.  Tomorrow when we wake it will be the end of summer, of lazy mornings and flexible schedules. Of having my Little One under my wing all day. 
I feel I'm settling into my airplane seat and fastening the metal buckle, ready to take off on another leg of our journey and watch a year fly by. 
First day of school.  The pride and the terror are overwhelming. 

I'm sure Little One is affected, too. 

Epipen Apron- ChocolateCherryChewies

As you all know, we have serious food allergy issues around here, including milk and eggs. 
As you also know, I love to bake.  I mean, love to bake. 
These two facts tend to snarl at each other and make bitey faces.  They don't get along. 
But because of my deep love for both homemade confections and keeping my children alive, I have become an allergy/baking mediator. 
It's an ongoing process.  But I've pretty much got the opposing sides down to a few snarky comments and mild glares across the room. 
I am not trained in this art; I make it up as I go along.  So to both record successes where they occur (so I don't forget them) and share with anyone else who has similarly warring factions residing in their kitchens, I thought I'd start sharing some of my tactics on here. 
How about beginning with the treats I threw together last night? 
I was cleaning up after dinner, when I came across some candied cherries left over from a long ago recipe which called for, like, three.  Then what's a girl to do with a bunch of candied cherries that just sit on the shelf and stare at people?  There are no free rides in this house, people!  I decided it was time for those cherries to earn their keep. 

Vegan Chocolate-Cherry-Chewies   (alliteration is fun)

1 Stick of softened Earth Balance margarine
1/2 Cup brown sugar
1/4 Cup white sugar
1 tsp Vanilla
1 flax egg
1 heaping cup all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/8 tsp salt
1 tsp corn starch
Half a bag of ghiradelli semi-sweet chocolate chips*
Half cup maraschino cherries, chopped

Cream together the Earth Balance with the sugars. 
Add the vanilla and pre-whipped up flax egg and beat until smooth.
Sift together flour, baking soda, salt, and corn starch and add slowly to the sugar mixture.  Beat on medium speed until combined. 
Stir in chocolate chips and cherries
Bake at 375 for 11 minutes. 
Yum.

A couple of notes.
1) Don't switch the Earth Balance for some other margarine.  I'm not getting kickbacks for saying so (unfortunately) but truly no other brand comes as close to actual butter in baking.  I'll have to try these with coconut cream one day, that might be yummy.  But if for now, only Earth Balance sticks. 

2) A flax egg is just ground flax seeds mixed with water.  You can buy flax meal at Trader Joes, Whole Foods, sometimes regular grocery stores in the health food section. When you whip them up with a fork, they will reach the consistency of a raw egg.  I just estimate the ratio based on making sure that consistency is right, and then use an egg's worth of the goo, rather than measure exactly how much flax to water. Even though most bakers prefer exact measurements, it always turns out better this way. 

3) Don't argue with me about the corn starch.  Just do it.  Trust me.

4) As a disclaimer for allergy people, the ghiradelli people are serious about warning that these chips are made on the same production line as dairy products.  The line is washed off between products, but there could always be trace amounts remaining.  Those with doubts should use a true vegan or dairy-free chocolate chip.  But Little One is as sensitive to dairy as it gets, and I've used these (too) many times over the years without issue.  Plus, they are in my opinion the absolute best tasting of the lot of vegan chocolate chips, especially for cookies.

5) Because of the flax and the high ratio of brown sugar, these cookies turn out a little darker than a typical chocolate chip cookie.  But eleven minutes is about perfect, they will still be soft and chewy.


And there you go. Just skip these posts if you are like me and know deep in your heart that there is no substitute for butter.  But if you are a veganish or allergic baker, check back and click the "Epipen Apron" tag.  Our cookie jar is never empty.

Express Yourself

Since we were a little emotional over our recent disappointment, and also bored, I used my beloved new laminator (thanks sister!) to make a game for us to have some fun and also start some good Little-level chats about emotions and expressing ourselves. 
The Littles helped me think of different expressions we make when we feel different ways. 
We made a list, and wrote it on the back of two circles of paper. 
Then I laminated them and cut them out.  

The "game" is to use a dry-erase marker to draw the expressions on the list, and see how many you can do, and/or make up your own. 

"Sad" next

Happy

It really got them thinking about what we do to convey specific emotions, and how we communicate so much with such seemingly minor actions as moving eyebrows.

Surprised!

 It got us into talking about what we do when we feel certain ways, and why. 

Sleepy

Sad (with tears)

And we had fits of laughter making funny faces- both in marker and in person!

Angry!

With a couple mini-dry-erase markers, I think it would make a good travel/waiting in line game, too. 
Thought I'd share in case you'd like to try it!
Maybe it will make you

Happy!

 too. 

Yes, We Have No Bananas

We spent the weekend getting ready for our new banana. 
We rearranged furniture and car seats, put together the new bed.  We did a few things we'd been meaning to, that we knew we wouldn't be able to while Banana was here. 
We camped in the backyard

Complete with S'mores, of course!

We went to our very first theater movie.

Dressed For The Red Carpet

It was a fun theater here which also serves dinner, so we had dinner and a movie.  Fancy.  We saw Planes, which Little Miss enjoyed, and which was only a little too scary for Her big sister. 
We had lots of talks about how this would be a special banana, and the Littles were wonderful about understanding, accepting, and brainstorming ways for our family to make accommodating changes to make Banana feel at home. 
They spent the entire day before the arrival getting ready.  They'd heard blocks were a favorite toy, and so they took each and every one of 4 sets of blocks and polished them with damp cloths.  To make them "super clean and shiny".  They chose the favorite set to keep in Bananas room.  They went through all their toys, picking out the ones they thought Banana would like best, polishing them up, and setting them out to be easily discovered.  They planned games like:
"How about we build up a big tower, and then let Banana smash it! Then we can do it again!" They went through the car carefully cleaning up stray leaves and paper bits and and washing the windows and dash.  They drew some Welcome! pictures.  They saw me off excitedly. 
I went to the meeting to pick up Banana.  I was there, discussing particulars with parents, previous foster-parents, social workers.  Part way through, I was pulled aside. 
The placement had been cancelled.  Just then, that minute. 
In the end, I agree it was the best decision for Banana, for various reasons, which is what matters most.  But I felt an odd combination of relief and disappointment.  And.  I had to go home and face the Littles. 
Little One rushed me at the door, all lit up.  There was a moment of dead silence. 
..."where's Banana?" 
When I told Her She melted into Her father's lap and didn't speak to me for a few minutes.  I broke the news to Miss.  She glared and shook Her head vehemently.  "Not ok! I want my new friend! I am SAD!" There was some moping around. 
I am not a mom that changes plans on my daughters at the last minute if I can help it.  Infamous throughout my youth for being the one who was eternally late for everything, I have come to have a strong disdain for flakiness, and have myself become a lot more dependable, at least when there are children involved.  Because I hate to teach my daughters that I can't be trusted.  Because I hate to teach them that because they are little their feelings don't matter.  Because I hate to see them dejected.
So I often don't tell my kids about play dates or plans with friends- especially if I know they can be flaky- until the last minute, when I'm sure it won't fall through. I'd rather surprise them than get them excited and let them down.
But in the case of life-altering changes, like adding a person to the family for awhile, it's important to give them some time to ask questions and get used to the idea.  So, since this foster care business is anything BUT dependable, what's the answer?  I'd love some advice from the Peanut Gallery on this one. 
In the meantime I guess I will just hope that it's character-building to learn to be flexible and live with disappointment sometimes.  But I sure wish I had done something differently, to make it easier.  I guess we are all learning as we go, especially me. 

A Banana To Carry

Last week I was talking to a good friend.  I told her I was having trouble deciding whether to take in the most recent banana we were called about. This one has some significant special needs and would be with us longer than usual, during a time J will not be able to help me much. It seemed like a lot to take on.
We talked about foster care in general, and she asked me if it is hard to hear the stories about how the kids ended up in care.  As a social worker, she said that there were times she almost wished for the blissful ignorance she had before entering the field, because the stories can be so horrendous and hard to bear.  I know what she means. 
I remembered again that summer in New York. 
That was the summer that my ignorant bliss was really shattered. 
I was the nurse at a summer camp for kids from the foster care and shelter systems of inner city NYC.  The first night the kids arrived, they poured off the bus into the dining hall for dinner.  I was in the clinic, busily preparing for the intake exams that would begin after dessert.  I was excited and nervous.  I didn't know what to expect, but I didn't expect to get my first patient before dinner was even over.
I was called down to the hall for a boy that wasn't feeling well.  He was a skinny thing with a big head; he looked up at me with eyes so sad he reminded me a little of a basset hound.  He promptly threw up all over my shoes.
I got him back to the clinic, cleaned us up, and was just starting to try and figure out what was the matter with him, when another child walked in.  Another.  And they kept coming, all sick to their stomachs.
At first I thought- it's an epidemic! It's the spaghetti! Food poisoning!  But I stuck to my training and asked all the routine questions.  One of which is- what and when did you eat last?
I soon realized that they all had something in common, and it wasn't just the spaghetti.
It was that, before that dinner, it had been a long, long time since they had eaten anything.  Some of them couldn't even remember the last time they'd had a meal.
Then they had arrived at a table overflowing with pasta and salad and bread, and gorged themselves.  Their starved little bodies had been shocked and couldn't keep the food down.
It wasn't the only problem that night.
Not knowing or trusting there would be more coming from the kitchen when the pasta bowl ran out, fights broke out over noodles and garlic bread. That night I treated lacerations on little kids who had seriously tried to shank each other with plastic picnic wear.  I iced black eyes.  My office was a melee of children in various states of illness and injury; there was crying, groaning, shouting, cursing that made me do a double-take (did that seriously just come out of that little six year old?!)
That was before the intake exams.
Where I saw the three brothers who at first glance seemed to have a pox of some kind.  But no, they were covered head to toe in cigarette burns.  Where I tried to speak to glazed over stares and discovered children drugged with psychotropic medicines that came with them in unmarked bottles.  Where I noticed the healing scars on the girl who had been dipped in boiling water.  The untreated infections that had been ravaging little bodies for weeks, months, maybe years.  Where I heard the stories about far worse wounds, the kind I could not see.
That was just the first day.
I remember being ashamed by my ignorance; knowing that there was something wrong about the fact that I felt so surprised.  That I'd had no idea, really, that these things were happening here, right here, right in my own country/city/neighborhood.  These kids weren't on some Save The Children commercial, so far removed they might not be real.  They were living pain and poverty right here; just a few subways stops from fifth avenue. And there were so. many.
When I finished camp I was still a college student unsure of what my future would be, but I knew what I was looking for.  I wanted to look into the shadows, and see who else was there.  I wanted to learn about that reality, and be a part of it in some way.  I felt then that, sure, I couldn't change the world or Fix It.  But it seemed very, very important to at least acknowledge the truth.  To do all I could not to be so blissfully ignorant anymore.
I'm sure I still am, unaware of many things.  But I've been a few dark places since then.
It's true that there are times it has seemed like too much.  There have been things that have made it hard not to lose hope- hope for anything.  I've realized that a child's pain isn't something I can turn away from, forget, or get over.  It's something I just have to carry around.  But that's ok. It's a lighter burden than they carry, and yet they do.  Surely I can be strong enough to share just a little of it.
I told my friend that, yes, it is astounding, horrifying what happens.  So often and so close to home.  That the way I personally handle knowing about the nightmares that are out there is to be a part of them. I can't erase what's happened to these kids.  Or fix it.  But I can show them that they are not invisible. I can care.  I can always care. Foster care helps me carry what I know.
As I said it to my friend, I knew I had my answer.
I pick up our new banana on Tuesday.   

Gifts That Give Forever

Do you remember when I told you about this girl?
Today I have tears in my eyes.
There are times in life when I see or hear about things that human beings do to one another, and it's hard not to lose faith in people, in justice...in Everything.
But then there are days like today.
Thanks to the incredible, positive, loving spirits of friends and strangers from all over the world, a real-life happy ending was made possible today.
Today the fundraising goal for getting AFC's star student into college was met and exceeded.
I'm thrilled because I'm so happy for her, and because I know that this tiny seed of helping out one deserving girl will grow and blossom into a forest of goodness through the work that she will now be able to do in her life.
But to me this is also about so much more.
It shows that despite the label of "orphan" she has a family.  She has people who care, who see how much good she has done and how hard she has worked, and believe in her.
It shows that we can be that, for each other.  We can be a human family, and reach out to each other and lift each other up.  Even across great geographic and demographic divides. 
It shows that sometimes, the good guy does win.
That sometimes dreams do come true, sometimes miracles do happen.  
It shows that even though, as people, we all have the potential to do horrible, hateful things to one another- we also have the ability to act with great love and compassion. Today I have proof that there are so many people out there who choose the kind side of their soul to live by.
Although we are still raising funds for her, to make sure she will be able to get through all four years and finish her college education, there is now enough in the account to bring her to this side of the Atlantic and through her first year safely. 
So today I have a HUGE thank you to all of you who have helped give this everyday princess her happy ending.  And at the same time given me something precious to keep in my heart for days when I might need a little extra Faith, a little Hope if mine wears thin.
Thank You. 

**If you want to help, you can now donate directly to her fund by clicking this link.  Any funds that exceed the goal of funding her first year of college will go towards funding the next three years of school, and are hugely appreciated (and tax deductible). ** 

What We Do

Today we read a book about the different kinds of jobs people do.  At one point the book asked the reader about the jobs their family does.  Would you like to know what we Do? Here is what the Littles think:

What Does Your Daddy Do?

Little One: "He makes people feel better who are not feeling better.  But mostly he sits and does lots of papers and things.  And sometimes flies planes."

Little Miss:  "He goes on planes and boats.  And push me inna swing."


What Does Your Mommy Do?

Little One: "She cleans the house all day.  And sweeps the porch!  And tuck me in."

Little Miss: "Clean the house all day.  And cook stuffs.  Read some stories to me." 


And What Do You Do?

LIttle One: "I play and do works. I read some books, all these things. I grow." 

Little Miss: "I hug Mama.  And Play outside."


I have to say I seem to have been seriously demoted from what I was Doing a year ago. 

Apple --> Tree

Of all our relatives, Little One reminds me most of my Grandaddy.
Sadly, he is probably the source of Her horrible food allergies.
Happily, he is probably the source of Her wonderful talent for music.
They both tend to worry.  Because they both care so much about everyone.
And, personally, I think there's a bit of a resemblance.

What do you think?

A Well Groomed Little Fish

Miss has been through a spate of Firsts recently.
For instance, She decided one day that She is Too Big Girl for the booster seat, and is rocking the grown up chair at the dinner table! To the great distress of my floors.  Ahem.
But here are some more of Her new adventures:

First Haircut
Goodness were the three of us girls in some serious need of a spa day.  I was a mess all over, Little One's hair was starting to tempt fairy tale princes to climb it, and Missy?  Yikes.
I have such a terrible fondness for those little curls, Peanuts.  I could just not bear to chop them!  But we had a serious business in front, party in the back situation going on, and I finally had to give up.
So we had a girls day at the salon, and got collectively groomed and gussied up.
Little One went first and of course loved it.

Missy reluctantly followed, since Little One had survived, after all.

 

As long as I held one hand and Little One held the other, She braved the hair washing basin.

And (as long I held Her hand) She allowed the trimming to commence.

Afterward, admiring Her new 'do in the mirror, She finally smiled and declared,
"This great Mama! T'anks you, Lady, makin' me all GOH-geous now!" 

Which, of course, She is!

First Dentist Visit
Because of Her extreme wariness of strangers and new situations, I confess I was a bit concerned about how this would go.  But Little One went first (rocked it),

 

The hygienist was fantastic with the kids, and Miss did GREAT too!

 
She not only cooperated, but had fun. Now each night She flosses and brushes diligently, refusing to stop until She has scrubbed each and every pearly white. Then She flashes me a big grin and asks, "My teef all shiny Mommy? Lookin' shiny?" 

First Swimming Lessons
Actually Her first organized lessons of any kind, this summer Missy took swimming class with Her sister.  Little One is a veteran (and probably part fish) so She literally dove right in and swam Her heart out all summer.

Little Miss cried and screamed like the pool was full of boiling oil for the first week.
She cried on the way in, She cried the whole lesson through- while following instructions to the letter.  She did everything She was asked to do, She just wasn't happy about it.

But as She began to trust Her (excellent) teacher, She gradually calmed down and was soon having fun, looking forward to lessons, and full of pride in Her new skills.

She started the summer not wanting to put a blessed toe into the water, and now can do all sorts of swimmy things. Which She practices nightly in the bathtub.

I love that Her sister gives Her so much comfort and encouragement. I love that holding my hand is still magical, like kisses for owies.  I love that while She is cautious, or even afraid, She still goes forward and tries Her best.  Isn't that the very definition of bravery?   As She goes on to so many more firsts, I hope She meets them all with such courage.
And remembers that we're always here with a hand, just in case.