Domestic Goddess

Probably gets it from Her mom....

Dancer

Little One's current favorite toy is this orange singing microphone She got for Her birthday.
Personally, I am not a huge fan of anything plastic, ESPECIALLY if it has lights and buttons and MOST ESPECIALLY if it makes all kinds of noise.  If it requires batteries, it makes me cringe.
But Little One has Her own ideas of what's fun.  And for Her, this maniacal microphone is the epitome of fun.  It transforms Her. Into a Diva!  It gives Her portable, on-command ability to do Her favorite, favorite thing.  Dance.
The dang thing plays the same three songs over and over. And over. And OVER.  Pretty much all day, because I have to practically pry the thing from Her Jazz Hands to get Her to eat and sleep.
She pushes the little button, and it erupts into a jangling, clattering rendition of some repetitive kid song.  She whirls and spins and swoops around the house.  She dips and shakes, wiggles and prances.
Here She comes, across the dining room on Her tippy-toes.  There She goes, back the other way twirling and swinging Her arms.  There She is in the kitchen doing...is that the Carlton?...and diving into a somersault.  As the song ends, She sweeps Her arms up over Her head, throws them back and pauses dramatically for applause.  Which She happily gives Herself.  Before pressing the button again, for the 556960th time today, and choreographing a new masterpiece.  She often sings along.  This din is deafening.  She is too busy to hear what I'm saying. Or put on Her shoes, get Her hair brushed, take a nap.  She's totally immersed in the music. 
Tonight, J and I watched Her while we finished the dinner She was too dance-antsy to eat, booty-shaking around the table.  I listened to the digitized pseudo-saxophone for the 556975th time today. And I couldn't help but think, "WOW.  I am really going to miss these days when they are gone".

Chris-kiss

Since J was off, today was our Christmas.
When Little One came down the stairs, She walked carefully, as if She might wake Herself up.  She held Her arms out, pulled by a force field over to the fluffy pink ballerina tutu.  Her first words (spoken to the tutu) were: "Oh....my..........doodness....!" 
She fingered the tulle gently, and whispered, "ball-er-een-a"!
She walked a slow, disbelieving lap around the other unwrapped gifts, and then inspected Santa's cookie plate.  "This Santa! Eat cookies aaaalllll gone! Oh!"
She spied the stockings.  There was lip gloss in there.  She had a candy cane for breakfast.  Yes She did! I know you all know my feelings about Little One and sugar.  I unwrapped it for Her.  Such is the potency of Christmas magic, catalyzed by two-year-old wonder.
And She spent most of the day like this:

 

Until She was completely overwhelmed by the excitement and looked like this:

After "Mommy I need take a little break",  more excitement ensued. The only thing Little One loved as much as the generosity of Her family and friends was the fact that Mommy and Daddy stayed home in our PJ's all day long and did nothing else but play with Her. 
Our first Christmas on our own, we missed our families this year.  But it really was the best gift to just Be Together like that. And play.  And sing a lot of "jingle bells", and dance around the living room, and eat leftover sweet-potato pie, and play. 
I hope all you Peanuts had a fantastic Holiday yourselves, whether it was a big blowout party or a quiet joy like ours. 
The truth is that being together all day was the best gift, for ALL of us this year.
But also. My husband?  With whom I have operated on a tacit understanding that we don't really give each other gifts on holidays?  My husband whose home-made breakfast was all the gift I was looking for today? 
He gave me pearls.
I cried.

 Merry Christmas!

Sugar and Spice

Yesterday J had to work all day.  Santa knows these things, and waited a day to come by our place.  While J gave his patients the gift of healthcare, Little One and I went out in the falling snow for some spoiling at my aunts house.  Little One got a doctor set, so that She could give all Her babies and teddies the gift of healthcare also, and we both got treated to good company and an amazing breakfast.
When we got home, we had another big treat, just us girlies.   
Do you know about my baking obsession? Odds are yes.  Odds are I have given most of you at least one or two cavities over time.  I don't know what to say. I need a 12-step cookie program.  It's a sickness.  Some people, when they get stressed, take a bath. Or go for a nice run. Or drink gin out of the bottle. Me? I bake.
Also, if I want to congratulate you, or sympathize with you, or thank you, or apologize to you....I bake.
Butter and sugar are my answer to everything. How perfect that the stress of impending holidays aggravates my affliction to the point that I had dozens and dozens (and dozens) of ready-made gifts for everyone this year!

This is not the worst addiction to have, I suppose.  Not the most unhealthy habit to role-model for my child.  But, it is rather hard on Little One.  Because although She can and does participate by measuring and pouring flours and baking powders, She can't help too much because She can't ever touch the stuff, let alone eat any. So She has to watch me spend all this time doing something that She doesn't get to be a part of.
Until yesterday.  Yesterday we broke out our aprons and an allergy-safe cookie recipe, and for the first time ever did something that I always loved doing with my mom.  We baked cookies, together.
Little One was ecstatic.  After all this sitting on the sidelines, She finally got to be part of the action.  She poured, She stirred, She made little ball-shaped lumps with Her hands.  She tasted! Everything!  The sugar, the raisins, the flour. The baking soda.  Whatever She could.  Because She could.
And at the end, for the first time, She got to perform a sacred childhood ritual.  She got to eat the dough off the beater*.  Heaven!

We got messy and poufed flour everywhere and had a blast.  And of course She got to eat the results of Her work. She could hardly believe Her luck. She kept saying, "This one, mommy, no-no Little One can't have.  No no make itchy momma!  This one my coo-kie! This yummy coo-kie!" 

But it wasn't just for Her. 
We also made our big holiday dinner to share when J got home, and afterward Little One got to choose a few of Her creations to put on the special plate to share with Santa.  She was so proud that She had helped make them Herself.
Which was the sweetest thing about them.  

Magic Fireplace

J had to work all day today.  So we bumped Christmas until tomorrow.  Little One and I were talking about the impending festivities over breakfast this morning. 

Little One: "Today Santa come, Mommy?"
 C: "Yes!"
LO: "Ok!  (goes to the window) Little One wait, here, Santa come."
C: "Oh no, Little One, Santa can only come at night, after we are all asleep."
LO (ponders a minute.  Furrows Her brow.  Shakes Her little curls anxiously): "Oh no, Mommy.  Santa no can come Mommy!  Front door LOCK!"

I explained that Santa comes through the fireplace, so it would be ok if the door is locked.
At first, this caused a lot of concern on Little One's part.  She hid behind the chair and eyed the fireplace suspiciously.  Waiting for strange men to pop through, I suppose.
Once I explained that Santa is special, and only Santa can come through the fireplace, She said "Oooooh! Yeah! O-k Mommy!" and we had everything sorted out. 

I have to admit.  When looking at things fresh, through Little One's eyes, this Santa business is a bit peculiar.  I think She'll forgive it though, when She comes down the stairs in the morning. 

Be Merry

Why I Melted Into A Puddle On The Staircase

After Her bath, I take Little One downstairs to say goodnight to Daddy. 
She wraps Her lilac-scented arms around his neck and kisses him on the cheek. 
She reaches one arm back to me and pulls me in for another kiss. 
Then She squeezes our heads together and commands,  "You, Mommy Daddy, kiss each other together!" 
And we comply.
Keeping Her arms encircled around us, a little huddle on the stairs, She sighs.  It's less a breath than an ooze of delight.  She looks at Her parents, from one to the other. Smiling.
"This, Fam-ly". 

The Effigy

C: "Little One, you get away from there!"

LO drops the gorgeously tempting package back under the tree: "Oh mama! Um...this present mine?"

C: "Yes, it is for you.  But it's a Christmas present.  We can't open it now.  We have to wait until Christmas".

LO: "Mommy, cheek-kiss come soon?"

C: "It will be some more days.  But we have to wait until Christmas, when Santa comes." 

LO perks up: "Santa?!"

C: "Yes, Santa.  When Santa comes it will be Christmas, and we can open all the presents."

LO excitedly runs around to the other side of the tree: "Ok! Ok Mommy! Santa! Just wait Santa mommy? Ok!"

C: "Good.  I'm glad you decided to be pa-"

LO proudly presents the Santa Claus tree ornament: "There Mommy! There go! Santa! HERE! Santa here, cheek-kiss! (grins) Open present now, mommy??"

Matters of the Heart

Today is the anniversary of when I lost Bernice.
It seems strange to consider what a deep scar that loss left in my life, how very important and close to my heart Bernice was, and to know at the same time that she probably never had any idea who I was.  If she's up in heaven, maybe some angel is telling her, "some gal called C down there is saying all kinds of prayers for you today", and she's going, "who?"
Do you have people like that?  People who you care about, who matter to you, and you wonder if they have ever really seen you?  Or someone you've been nice to, or helped indirectly through a friend or a donation, or felt compassion for, or just respected or admired- though they may never have known about you at all?
Sometimes it can almost seem pointless, right? Doing for someone who will never thank you, hurting for someone who can't appreciate the sympathy, giving without a return.  Loving someone who might not love you back.
Or they might.
The not knowing can be difficult ground to walk over.  Does it matter that I'm here? Does it matter that I care?  Is it worth all that's difficult when I can't tell if I'm making a difference?
In little ways, all relationships are a bit like that.  You can always wonder if what you have to offer makes the impact you want to have.  You can always suspect that you're not loved enough, that you care too much, or feel like there's just not enough payoff for how much you feel yourself giving.
Parenting is certainly like that.  Will I ever know, even when She's all grown up and turned out, whether how hard I work mattered, really?  Whether She has any inkling how incredibly much I love Her, how hard I tried to do the right things for Her? Will She end up all messed up despite it all? Will She hate me or blame me or feel I failed Her, despite the fact that I put my whole soul into doing my best?
I don't know.  I might never, never know. 
A scary part about loving someone so much, is you can never get the credit you deserve.  Because maybe it's impossible for anyone to totally get how valuable they are to another person.
Little One can't tell me if I'm doing this mom thing the right way. Bernice was never able to say, "I'm glad you're here."  Most of the people I've reached out to over time...I'll never even know whether they are ok, much less get a medal from them in the mail for Trying Really Hard to be Helpful. 
So does it matter?  Is it worth it?  All this trying and loving and caring and worrying and grieving?
Well...I think so.
Bernice never knew my name.  But I remember a time she was in the hospital, covered in a tangle of wires and tubes in a strange room with beeping noises and flashing monitors, and when I got there she was FREAKING OUT.  The doctor was about to have her both physically restrained and doped up because they couldn't keep her from yanking out her IVs, screaming and swearing, and smacking the nurses when they tried to help her.  She was totally out of control.  But I had this feeling.  "Give me a minute" I told the doctor.  "Just let me see if I can help".  He was hard to convince, saying that she was too delusional to be responsive to anything, but he agreed I could have one minute.  I walked in and put my hand on her arm, and she froze.  I said her name, I talked to her like I always did.  "Hi, Bernice.  It's C.  I'm here to visit you, how are you doing?"  And wouldn't you know. She reached her frail, IV-bruised hand over to clasp mine.  She relaxed back in the bed.  Two tears slid down her gorgeously high cheekbones, and she rested against the pillow.  She didn't say anything back to me that evening. But she held my hand, and she was calm, and after a little while she fell asleep.  I'll never really know why. But I like to think it's because on some level, she knew I was someone safe.  Someone who loved her.
And I think the same is true about our children and our friends and family, and the homeless guy we smile at on the corner, and the kid in Haiti who gets a notebook because we bought some raffle ticket.  I think that even if they don't really know how much we care, or how much we've done for them, or even who we are, they do know that someone cares.  I think on some level we can all feel when we are loved.  Even a little.  Even from far away.
Though Bernice may have never known who I was, and even if I didn't do everything for her the way she would have wanted me to, I think that what I did do mattered because I believe she knew somehow that she was cared about; not totally alone.
And I think that it was all worthwhile because whether it all mattered to her or not, one thing I know for sure is that it mattered to me.  Sometimes when we love in the hardest situations, when maybe there is the least recognition or gratification for our efforts, we learn the most, and are changed the most, and have the best opportunity to realize the value of loving for the sake of loving, giving for the sake of giving.
Today is a good reminder for me of why it matters to love recklessly.  Even when it's easier to be a cynic, even when it doesn't feel safe, and even when it doesn't come back to me.  Even when it means grieving a loss.  Whether or not Bernice ever loved or remembered me, I loved her, I remember her.  And it matters.  Whether or however much Little One loves me when She grows up, I will always have loved her, and it matters.  Even if all of you don't know it, I love you Peanuts in some way as well.  And whether you can tell or not, it is mattering right this minute.  To you, maybe, and definitely to me.

Little One-isms

Now that She's big enough to have both conversations and attitude, Little One is short on neither.  I thought I'd share some of our recent chats that made me smile...

 
Driving in the car with the radio on:
Little One: "Mommy! Mommy 'scuse me Mommy!"
C: "Yes, Little One?"
Little One: (slightly exasperated) "Mommy this muso, turn down.  I'm tryna sing sompin back here!" 


LO: "Mommy.  I like fly. Little One want to fly."
C: "You want to fly in an airplane, or you want to fly like a bird?"
LO: "Bird! Bird Mama tweet tweet! (in her sweetest most cajoling voice) Please?  Pleeeaaase Mommy, Little One fly?"
C: "Well....when you're big, you can fly an airplane, if you want.  OR, you know what?  When you go to sleep, in your dreams you can fly.  You can fly wherever you want, as much as you want when you are dreaming!"
LO: "Oooooh, Mommy! I like this!  Yes!  Little One sleepy, FLY! (zooming her arms around) Fly, FLY! Fly over THERE! Fly up up UP! Around around FLY! ME!"
C: "Yay!"
LO: (turning serious) "Mommy, please, go home now?  Go home fast now please. Need nap!"


LO: "Oh no.  Oh no oh no."
C: "Something the matter, Little One?"
LO: "Yes mommy.  Zashi (a friend).  Zashi, sad."
C: "You think Zashi is sad?"
LO: "Yes! Cried.  Waahh haaa.  Cry, sad (shakes Her head morosely)".
C: "Little One, Zashi didn't cry.  I don't think she's sad, honey.  She's ok."
LO: "Well....I worry."


At the mall:
C: "Oh look, Little One.  Do you see over there? It's Santa!"
LO: (Looking dubiously at the enthroned guy in red) "N-noooooo....."
C: "Yes, I think that's Santa over there! Do you want to go say hi?"
LO: (looking at me like I'm nuts) "Mommy.  This, Santa? No-no.  No-no Santa, Mommy.  This Man."


Little One lines up all Her bath toy animals along the edge of the tub.  She holds an empty cup and goes down the line, carefully pinching something invisible out of the cup and fastening it to each animal.
C: "What are we doing here Little One?  Are you giving something to all your animals?"
LO: "Yes, Mommy.  Life Jacko."
C: "The animals need life-jackets?"
LO: (pointing out all the water in the tub) "Yes, Mommy! Need life-jacko.  Be safe."    


Pushing Her stroller in the living room, stopping and starting abruptly, sighing in aggravation.
C: "Little One, you're walking in an interesting way today. What's going on?"
LO: (smacks Her hand to Her forehead and heaves a big sigh, shaking Her head) "Ooooh.  Traffic."  
C: "Oh, traffic is bad today?"
LO: "Yes! All this cars come, ina way."
C: "Oh my.  Where are you and baby going today?"
LO: "Drive, mommy.  Tryna find par-king". 


And my favorite is that, according to Little One, in our living room we have decorated a lovely "Cheek-kiss Tree".  Muah!

Very Special Relativity

Tonight J is on call and I have been flying about trying to Get Things Done.  After being consumed with Little One and doctors and hospitals I am miles behind on positively everything, and I would love to say that I'm all bohemian and Hakuna Matata about things like the holidays, and grocery shopping, and cleaningandlaundryandpicturesnadcardsandemailsandmenusandbudgetsand about ten thousand other things like that, but I am not.  I am Not. Zen.  There is dust on my baseboards, and it makes me feel a little tight in the chest. Sad, sad.  But true. 
So here I am, checking off my mental checklist (because for heavens sake I'm even behind on writing out my to do list) and chopping onions and the phone is ringing.  And just then.  Little One presses Her fingertips together.  She cocks Her head to the side, and looks up at me with big, big eyes.  She says: "Mamma?  Play? Mommy play with Little One? Please have tea party me?"
 Oh jeeze. The onions are sizzling, peanuts.  People on the phone are talking into my other ear.  The dust in on the baseboards and the dishes are in the sink and I do not have time to sit on the floor and sip air.  I do not.  Except for Einstein. 
Einstein had this little theory you've probably heard of called Special Relativity, which he explained like this: "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.  Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity."
This is why, I suppose, when you have nothing to do- stuck in an airport waiting out a storm delay for instance- time draaaaags on and the day takes ages to go by.  But when you're busy- chasing after a toddler while on a phone conference and cooking dinner for instance- time flashes by and you wonder where the day went.
I was a science major, Peanuts.  Did you know that? Yep. I know all about Relativity. Which is a good thing! Because Einsteins' little theory there helps me realize that it's precisely because I'm so busy, it's especially when I'm very busy, that it is more important than ever to FREEZE.  Hang up the phone, turn off the stove, leave messes to themselves. And have a tea party.
Because if I have to spend time doing something that makes the days go by way too quickly, it ought to be something that matters.  

We've Been On a Ride

It is crazy how little ones can go from sick to scary so quickly. 
The last week has been an emotional roller-coaster that no theme park can compete with. 
Little One is home now from a brief hospital stay, where there were some very scary words thrown around, and a lot- A LOT- of needles applied to my poor baby. 
But, we are home, she is doing fine, and most of the really scary stuff has been dismissed from her chart and our worried little parent brains.  We have a couple weeks of specialist appointments coming up, and some more pokes, which we hope will end in nothing. 
But in the meantime, J's sister is here cheering us all up a ton, and the AFC event went really well! So there have been some high points on this coaster.
And since, as of today, Little One looks like She's really on the mend for now, we're hoping that we're turning the corner here and coming to a stop.  Which is good, because that ride was starting to make us all feel a little sick, and I'm ready to get off.  Get some ice cream.  And stick to the regular kid-sized rides for awhile. 
Regular, kid-sized posts coming as soon as we shake off the adrenaline rush.   

World AIDS Day

A day to celebrate. Yes. A day to celebrate the fact that we each are so powerful.

So powerful that we can protect ourselves from the virus that causes AIDS.

- only you can decide who to have sex with, and whether to use protection

- only you can decide not to share needles

- only you can make sure you are educated about the facts of HIV/AIDS

So powerful that we can help those who were powerless to do so. 

- Just $5 can help AFC continue giving HIV+ kids who have lost their parents a home, medical care, an education, and a family. http://artistsforcharity.org/new/

- Artists can donate work to be auctioned for the kids

- Those in the DC area can attend the Holiday Fundraiser this Saturday! 

http://artistsforcharity.eventbrite.com/

And so powerful that we can help make the world better for them and safer for others by GETTING EDUCATED and SPREADING THE WORD.

- To give us all a head start on this one, I'm reposting this from last year. Please. Read, think, pass it on.

Things I wish people knew about HIV/AIDS:

HIV and AIDS are not the same thing. HIV is a virus, which can be contracted from another person. AIDS is a syndrome, which is not contagious. AIDS is a set of symptoms which develop after some time if a person does not undergo treatment for HIV. Not everyone with HIV will develop AIDS.

HIV is NOT a death sentence. HIV is now considered a chronic but manageable disease, such as diabetes or hepatitis.

It is, in fact, considered in many cases to be easier to manage than both of those diseases.

People with HIV can live 'indefinitely', and children born HIV positive can usually expect to grow up and lead healthy, relatively normal lives. *as long as they have access to treatment*

HIV is NOT spread through casual contact- such as sharing toys, even toothbrushes, food, dishes, clothes, etc, coughing, sneezing, hugging, kissing, pool or bathwater, or through contact with urine, tears, sweat or spit.

HIV is ONLY spread through sex, breastfeeding, blood-blood contact (almost exclusively sharing of needles), or through pregnancy/childbirth.

With proper medication, pregnancy/childbirth barely makes that list- only a 2% chance of passing on HIV to a fetus/infant with currently available meds.

You are really the only one who can protect you from HIV. You can protect yourself by always practicing safe sex, and by never sharing needles. It is within your power to prevent contracting HIV.

HIV/AIDS is a lot more common than you might think. Statistically speaking, odds are that you know or have met someone who is positive.

People with HIV or AIDS are not a threat to you or to anyone else. Unless you plan on having unprotected sex or sharing needles with that person, it is virtually impossible for you to become infected.

People with HIV or AIDS are people. Really! They deserve to be treated with respect and compassion, as all people do. They deserve to have full lives and rights, as all people do.

The worst, scariest thing about HIV/AIDS in so many ways is not the physical aspect, but the stigma. Many other diseases are much more contagious and much more life-threatening or limiting, and yet HIV continues to carry a huge stigma entrenched in fear and lack of education about the facts.

One of the best things we can all do to help those affected by HIV/AIDS is to be one less person who is uneducated, one less person harboring needless stereotypes, one less person reacting out of fear rather than awareness.

You can get more info at: http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/factsheets/transmission.htm