Solar Power

1/12/13
At nap time, Miss asked me to turn on the toy that projects stars onto the ceiling. I explained that She couldn't see them because it wasn't dark enough.  Because it was sunny outside.  She understood perfectly.
"Yeah, this stuff sun, ou'side, coming in,  all over, up there ceiling, no see my stars!" She elaborated for me, gesturing dramatically to demonstrate the sun's rudeness in just coming right in the window without so much as knocking, "Yeah! Cover-up!"
"Yes!" I responded, pleased that She had such a grasp of it for such a little Little.  Maybe She'll be a scientist, with a mind like that!  "Yes that's exactly right Miss.  The sunlight covers up the light from the little stars. That's why we can't see them."
She looked at me, nodding gravely.  She understood just what the problem was.
"yeah," She pointed up into the outside sky,  "mommy turn it off."
"What?"
"This sun, cover up stars.  Too sunny.  Mommy go turn off."
"Oh...but, Missy, it's the sun.  Mommy can't turn it off."  I tried not to giggle.  "There's no switch for the sun, love".
Miss reflected for the tiniest moment, then shrugged Her shoulders, "Yeah, no turn off.  Mommy go, take out batt-a-ries." 

Snow Days, Snow Ways

Chesapeake Bay Bridge in a snowstorm with babies in the back seat. I do not recommend it.
But if you need official birth certificates for your children who were born in Maryland and can't wait weeks and weeks from them to slither to you through the snail mail, you have to drive to Maryland.  True, I might have believed the weather dude.  But I didn't and we went. Seven hours of driving, icy roads, and hungry children. Not the best way to party on a Friday evening. TRUST ME.
On the other hand, birth certificates were obtained, and so yesterday's mission was accomplished. And, as Little One pointed out, we did have a big adventure!
Little Miss felt the gentle crush of snow beneath Her feet, melted it in her hands and caught it on her tongue for the first time. We threw fistfuls of it at each other and got it caked in halos over our hair, we slipped and fell and laughed in it.
Little One sang made-up songs about how much She loves Her sister on the way home, and Missy giggled and cheered and occasionally chimed in. And we made it home in whole pieces! So it all worked out. 

Today I am enjoying the way the snow makes the yard all pretty, and the way it highlights the distinctiveness of my children's personalities. 
Little One was outside with Her mittens on doing snow angels before breakfast.  She barely let me wrangle Her into a light jacket on Her way out the door. 
Little Miss, however?  No amount of encouragement or promises to bundle Her in really, really cozy snowpants could convince Her to put so much as one rosy toe out in that "coldy coldy" stuff.  She was perfectly content to sit at the window (wrapped in a blanket since, evidently, just looking at the snow gave Her a chill) and watch Her sister throw snowballs for the dogs. 
Little One ran and jumped and fell and wiggled into it.  She scooped up armfuls and tossed it up, turning Her face to feel it shower back down.  She laughed and stomped and twirled and radiated mirth.
Missy sat in Her blanket, subdued.  Staring out the window.  Surely She would want to join the fun. 

C: "Little Miss, are you really sure you don't want to play outside?  It's so fun to play in the snow! We could make a snow man!"

LM: "No."

C: "We could make snow angels!"

LM: "No."

C: "We could make snowballs and throw them and the doggies will catch them in the air!!"

LM: "No. No."


C: "We...could just walk nicely in it and see how it is so soft and so pretty out there."

LM: "No. No. No. Coldy coldy. Brrr! No, no t'anks. No. No outside, me."

C: "Well, ok.  What would you like to do instead, then?"

LM(perking right up): "SNUGGLE UP!!!"

So that's what we did. 

Karate Kid

 Awhile ago, Little One was invited to a classmate's birthday party.  It was a TAE KWON DO! party.  That's how you say it.  YAHHH! 

With coaxing, Little One consented to a loose cotton shift with matching puff-sleeved T-shirt and leggings, rather than a fluffy party dress.  She wasn't sure a party could be a party without a party dress, but She was keen on trying TAE KWON DO! so She relented.  

It was a super cool party.  The instructors were great and put the kids through their paces for a whole lesson in TAE KWON DO! Stretches, warm-ups, kicks and punches.  There was some bowing.  Little One curtseyed.  Fiercely.  There were games and a pretty awesome skills demonstration by the teachers.  Everyone was psyched up!

So for the final touch, the instructors brought out thin wooden boards, and asked the birthday boy (a longtime student) to break one with a Hiii-yaaaah! Which he did, to the great admiration of his peers.  There was bowing.  Each child got their turn to go up in front of everyone and display their awesomeness by breaking a board.  Little One went last.  

She wasn't at all the youngest, but She was by far the littlest.  Still, She was ready and She hit that board with all Her might! ...and She hit it again! um....and again...and again.  She paused.  The teacher encouraged Her, gave Her some tips.  She tried again! She wanted to break that thing SO badly, She tried with both fists at once!  

It was cute.  

So, unfortunately, everyone laughed. 

Little One froze. She shrank into Her raised fists.  She peered, red-faced, over a shoulder at all Her friends and their parents, laughing.  At Her.  She gave it one more try. Sort of.  Then She just shook Her head, fighting tears.  

Her fists fell, Her eyes fell.  She ran from the mat to my side, taking a deep, deep breath to hold back from crying.  

Sometimes, Peanuts.  Sometimes we try.  Hard.  But, sometimes, we fail.  Sometimes we do.

The party went on, instructors demonstrating impossible kicks and flips and YAHH!s.  

When they finished, they began stacking the unused boards, cleaning up for cake time, and I saw Little One take a few steps towards the teacher- then back. She stared at those boards.

For a split second, my mind raced.  What did I hope She would learn from this?  

I want Her to know that sometimes, we fail.  That life goes on, nonetheless.  I want Her to know that it's ok to fail, that as Her mother I don't need Her never to fail.  

I also want Her to know something else.

I whispered into Her ear. 

"Little One.  I am sure he would let you try one more time if you ask."

She took a couple steps- then stepped back. 

"Little One.  He won't let you try if you don't ask. They are cleaning up, so this is your last chance today.  Go ahead and ask! He will say yes."

She looked up at me with such big, hopeful eyes.  

"Little One.  You. Can. Do. It.  I KNOW you can.  Go for it!"

Her little fingers clenched into fists. She turned. She took a step.  Stopped.  

Then, in a burst of courage She ran over to the teacher and tugged at his uniform sleeve.   I saw him bend over, and She whispered into his ear.  He smiled.  

"Wait a minute!" He announced to the party, "we have one more try!"

He helped Her set Her stance.  It was cinematically silent in the room.  He hollered, "GO!"

Little One stared at that board.  She took a breath.  

I took a breath.  

This was one of those parent moments in which a large gamble is taken.  I knew when I said the words "I know you can do it", that I was creating a Turning Point.  That after that, things could either go very well, or very badly.  As She raised Her hand over the board, I knew that I could do nothing for Her.  

But I think sometimes you have to bet on your kids, knowing they might fail, knowing you can't hedge the bet for them.  Because win or lose, I wanted Her to know that no matter what- no matter how many times She hadn't broken it before, no matter how many times She fails at anything- I believe in Her.  And I do.  As it turns out, all She really needed (and maybe all She'll ever need) was to believe in Herself.  As She brought Her hand down, She cracked that board clean in two.  

The teacher jumped up and cheered.  The whole room clapped and cheered! 

Little One turned around beaming from head to foot.  She looked around.  Why, those people who had laughed at Her had really been pulling for Her all along! They were happy for Her! She looked down shyly into Her hands and muttered "thanks", then skipped back to me.  

She looked up, eyes shining, and whispered, "Mommy.  I did it!" 

Between you and me, Peanuts, I may have nearly peed my pants for about two seconds there.  Maybe.  But I cupped Her little chin in my hand and looker Her right in the eye and told Her the deep-down-from-my-heart truth.  "I knew you could." 

Sometimes when we try, we fail.  That's life.  But sometimes.  Sometimes when we try again, we succeed.  I will never know whether I taught that to Little One that day, or She taught it to me.  But there it is.  

It was just a small moment at a small party.  

But Little One has talked about it since.  I have heard Her retort, to a child who teased Her for being small, "well.  I am little.  But you know, I'm a superhero.  I can break a board with mine own hand. I did it 'afore."  I'm not much of a gambler, but I would say this bet had a big payoff.  

So when the birthday party dojo offered a special on TAE KWON DO! classes, well.  They had a perfect sucker in this proud mama.  

 

Today was Her first official lesson.  It's a trial run; we'll see how it suits Her.  But this time, there was no sitting out, so hanging back.  No curtseys, even.  

Watch out, world.  

She's small.  

But -as we really already knew- She's fierce! 

 

How I've Been

I'm good, yep.  Thanks for asking.
Better than I was the last time I posted in October.
Because after that, I got so crazy and sleep-deprived by single-parenting that I had to check into a mental health clinic and I've been convalescing there until now.
Or.  I pined away for J so terribly, that I succumbed to my broken heart and leaped from a bridge into icy water and have spent the last three months in a full-body cast.
Or.  The children finally ran wild and went all Lord of The Flies on me and I just got out of the hallway closet where I've been bound with sequined hair ribbons and living on cheerios slipped under the door.
Or. I threatened to take out the entire US military if they changed the dates for J's return trip one more time, and they could see I was dang serious and I've been in the brig.
Or I got really tired of missing J and didn't know how to talk about anything else, and then he came home and I was too happy to talk about anything else than that, and then there was SO much to talk about I didn't know where to start.  
Those are all perfectly likely and you may take your pick. 
But in any case, he did come back.  Little One turned four. Little Miss became a real walking, talking, hilarious person. There were holidays and tragedies and mudfights and quite a lot of photographs. 
I might get some up here just to dispel any rumors about my whereabouts. 
In the meantime, though, being so far away from friends and family while J was missing did teach me the value of any thread at all that can keep me connected to people out there.  And I miss being able to look something up on here in order to cheat at bets with J when we can't quite remember where we were last Thanksgiving.  So I think I'll give this thing another go, and see if anyone out there still wants to hold the other end of the thread. 
So the short of the long story is that we are all fine! And, I miss you. 

How Ya Been?

You know that one friend, from Back In The Day, that you always liked, but then you got all busy, and life got all demanding, and you sort of lost touch?  Then you kind of missed them, and you kept meaning to call.  But then after awhile it had been so long, that whenever you wanted to call it seemed kind of awkward.  I mean, what are you going to say?  "Hey, I know it's been like, months and months, and so much has happened I don't really know where to start, and I have no real reason to call, nothing super important to say or anything I just...um..........hi?"
So you never call.  It gets harder and harder to.  And you sort of lose sight of them after awhile.  Even if you always liked them and missed them.
Well, you know.  It's a New Year.  Why not start fresh? 
We should all just reach out and say,  "Hey!  It's been awhile. We should catch up!"
It can't be all that hard.  Here, I'll go first.
Hey, Peanuts.  It's been awhile.   We should catch up.  

Reminder

We meant to have Salmon for dinner, like we do every Sunday.  On the wedding china, with candles, and what Little One calls a "Sugar Dessert"- something like ice cream or pie instead of fruit.  But we stayed late at an afternoon party, so instead we just tucked the Littles into bed, and watched a movie on the couch.  We headed to bed laughing about something I don't recall and luckily not much else happened because just as there might have been bases involved, the door burst open, and out of nowhere an angel appeared.  Dressed in white, bathed in light from the hall, it fluttered over to us with arms stretched out.  It was frightened.
Frightened on the face of a tiny angel flips a switch in a parent's heart so immediately, that we had gathered Her up, folded Her between us, and sheltered Her with hugs before our brains had a chance to form a single word.  Finally the words came together and we reassured our drowsy little angel that there wasn't a single crocodile around, that nothing would eat Her or Her little sister up.
She sighed and looped an arm around us each.  She cozied into the pillows and began drifting back towards dreams.  And just there, in that in-between, hazy place before She fell asleep, She murmured with Her eyes closed- "You. Are. GREAT."  She nestled Her head on my shoulder- still holding tight to J- and, in a whisper,  "You is the BEST mommy".  And then fell asleep.
J and I caught eyes over the tangles of Her sleepy hair, and we were both grinning. Beaming, really, we squeezed each others hand.
I scooped Her up and tucked Her back into Her bed, then lay down with my head on J's shoulder.   We were quiet for awhile.  Then I said it.
"We have...the BEST life."   J hugged me and smiled, "Yeah.  We do."  
1/7/13