We spent the weekend getting ready for our new banana.
We rearranged furniture and car seats, put together the new bed. We did a few things we'd been meaning to, that we knew we wouldn't be able to while Banana was here.
We camped in the backyard
Complete with S'mores, of course!
We went to our very first theater movie.
It was a fun theater here which also serves dinner, so we had dinner and a movie. Fancy. We saw Planes, which Little Miss enjoyed, and which was only a little too scary for Her big sister.
We had lots of talks about how this would be a special banana, and the Littles were wonderful about understanding, accepting, and brainstorming ways for our family to make accommodating changes to make Banana feel at home.
They spent the entire day before the arrival getting ready. They'd heard blocks were a favorite toy, and so they took each and every one of 4 sets of blocks and polished them with damp cloths. To make them "super clean and shiny". They chose the favorite set to keep in Bananas room. They went through all their toys, picking out the ones they thought Banana would like best, polishing them up, and setting them out to be easily discovered. They planned games like:
"How about we build up a big tower, and then let Banana smash it! Then we can do it again!" They went through the car carefully cleaning up stray leaves and paper bits and and washing the windows and dash. They drew some Welcome! pictures. They saw me off excitedly.
I went to the meeting to pick up Banana. I was there, discussing particulars with parents, previous foster-parents, social workers. Part way through, I was pulled aside.
The placement had been cancelled. Just then, that minute.
In the end, I agree it was the best decision for Banana, for various reasons, which is what matters most. But I felt an odd combination of relief and disappointment. And. I had to go home and face the Littles.
Little One rushed me at the door, all lit up. There was a moment of dead silence.
..."where's Banana?"
When I told Her She melted into Her father's lap and didn't speak to me for a few minutes. I broke the news to Miss. She glared and shook Her head vehemently. "Not ok! I want my new friend! I am SAD!" There was some moping around.
I am not a mom that changes plans on my daughters at the last minute if I can help it. Infamous throughout my youth for being the one who was eternally late for everything, I have come to have a strong disdain for flakiness, and have myself become a lot more dependable, at least when there are children involved. Because I hate to teach my daughters that I can't be trusted. Because I hate to teach them that because they are little their feelings don't matter. Because I hate to see them dejected.
So I often don't tell my kids about play dates or plans with friends- especially if I know they can be flaky- until the last minute, when I'm sure it won't fall through. I'd rather surprise them than get them excited and let them down.
But in the case of life-altering changes, like adding a person to the family for awhile, it's important to give them some time to ask questions and get used to the idea. So, since this foster care business is anything BUT dependable, what's the answer? I'd love some advice from the Peanut Gallery on this one.
In the meantime I guess I will just hope that it's character-building to learn to be flexible and live with disappointment sometimes. But I sure wish I had done something differently, to make it easier. I guess we are all learning as we go, especially me.
We rearranged furniture and car seats, put together the new bed. We did a few things we'd been meaning to, that we knew we wouldn't be able to while Banana was here.
We camped in the backyard
We went to our very first theater movie.
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| Dressed For The Red Carpet |
We had lots of talks about how this would be a special banana, and the Littles were wonderful about understanding, accepting, and brainstorming ways for our family to make accommodating changes to make Banana feel at home.
They spent the entire day before the arrival getting ready. They'd heard blocks were a favorite toy, and so they took each and every one of 4 sets of blocks and polished them with damp cloths. To make them "super clean and shiny". They chose the favorite set to keep in Bananas room. They went through all their toys, picking out the ones they thought Banana would like best, polishing them up, and setting them out to be easily discovered. They planned games like:
"How about we build up a big tower, and then let Banana smash it! Then we can do it again!" They went through the car carefully cleaning up stray leaves and paper bits and and washing the windows and dash. They drew some Welcome! pictures. They saw me off excitedly.
I went to the meeting to pick up Banana. I was there, discussing particulars with parents, previous foster-parents, social workers. Part way through, I was pulled aside.
The placement had been cancelled. Just then, that minute.
In the end, I agree it was the best decision for Banana, for various reasons, which is what matters most. But I felt an odd combination of relief and disappointment. And. I had to go home and face the Littles.
Little One rushed me at the door, all lit up. There was a moment of dead silence.
..."where's Banana?"
When I told Her She melted into Her father's lap and didn't speak to me for a few minutes. I broke the news to Miss. She glared and shook Her head vehemently. "Not ok! I want my new friend! I am SAD!" There was some moping around.
I am not a mom that changes plans on my daughters at the last minute if I can help it. Infamous throughout my youth for being the one who was eternally late for everything, I have come to have a strong disdain for flakiness, and have myself become a lot more dependable, at least when there are children involved. Because I hate to teach my daughters that I can't be trusted. Because I hate to teach them that because they are little their feelings don't matter. Because I hate to see them dejected.
So I often don't tell my kids about play dates or plans with friends- especially if I know they can be flaky- until the last minute, when I'm sure it won't fall through. I'd rather surprise them than get them excited and let them down.
But in the case of life-altering changes, like adding a person to the family for awhile, it's important to give them some time to ask questions and get used to the idea. So, since this foster care business is anything BUT dependable, what's the answer? I'd love some advice from the Peanut Gallery on this one.
In the meantime I guess I will just hope that it's character-building to learn to be flexible and live with disappointment sometimes. But I sure wish I had done something differently, to make it easier. I guess we are all learning as we go, especially me.
Let them know you are disappointed to. You really were excited too. Etc etc. then roll model the correct way to handle those emotions. This is the same as when the daddy is gone on deployment. They have to know it is okay to be sad, but you have to show them how to express those emotions in a controlled manner.
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