Circles

In the beginning, there is uncertainty.
You are weak.  You can't do everything; you sleep a lot.  It's all sort of overwhelming.
You have to learn so much; you reel from the changes that come and keep coming.
As you go, it gets a little easier.  You become stronger, more familiar.
There are so many worries, so much to wonder about.  But the feeling of Life and Possibility is so rich.  There are plans to make, and work to do, and so much to expect.  So much hope.
Over time, it all begins to feel routine.  There are discomforts, sure, but you bear them, you become somewhat acclimated to this existence.
You feel strong, but time begins to pull at your elbow.  It passes so much faster than it ever seemed it could, at the beginning when the days stretched out long.  Now you look back and the days have flown, and there seem to be so many more behind you than there are ahead.
There begins to be fear.
What will come next?  What will it be like, after?  Will it hurt so very much when it happens?  Too much?  Can you bear to leave behind all you've known, all you were?
You start to dread it.  Maybe you'd rather just not.  Rather just stay like this and never get to the end.  There are such Unknowns, at the end, and Unknowns are so scary.
But when you know a thing is inevitable, you think about it, worry about it, and slowly become used to the idea that, well.  Scared or not, it's coming.  That you won't know if it will hurt too much, or how it will happen exactly, or what is waiting for you After- but you'll just have to find out.
And, after awhile, time wears on at you.  You begin to get weak again, tired again.  The discomforts become more numerous, more onerous.  After awhile, it gets hard to sleep, hard to move, hard to breathe.  There seems to be more pain than there is anything else, and you start to think- the heck with this.  Whatever is coming, it can't be as bad as staying like this forever.
You begin to feel that you've gotten all the joy you can from this whole thing; it isn't much fun anymore, and you are ready to move on.  The suffering is your Gift to nudge you through the fear, to a precipice you are ready to jump from.
And then, when you are ready. When your body is ready, when Fate and Heaven are ready-
It happens.

A life ends.  Or, begins. 

Part of the miracle of pregnancy is that in many ways it is an existential microcosm.  A little circle within a circle.  I think so much of my Grandfather these days.  Last night he lost a sister-in-law, the last in the family of his generation.  He is 86 now and he may be with us for years to come...but he's getting tired.  I think of the parallels between our experiences; nearing the end of a pregnancy, nearing the end of a life.  I think we are both beginning to look towards what is next.  Not quite ready....but nearly so.