This is My Brain On Toddler, Dogs, and Fetus

Ok, so. I'm sorry. I haven't called you back. I haven't answered my phone, and I haven't called you back. You want to know the truth? Yes. Yes I checked my messages. Yes I texted you, instead of calling you back, like you said to in the message. There. I am directing this apology to so many of you, right here. On a blog. It's easier to do it en mas. Because, see, otherwise...I would have to call you all back.
And here's the thing. I prefer to communicate by typing just now. Because, if I text you, or email, or send a message on facebook, I am able to lead a secret double life!
I can say something. To you! And I can do it in such a way that I appear to be coherent, and sane, and somewhat put-together; as like a normal person as I'll likely get. This is only really possible through a written dialogue of some sort.
Because, see, if I am "talking to you" with texts or messages, instead of on the phone, you do not have to strain to hear me over the sound of my child screaming, banging, singing, or MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!-ing in the background.
You do not have to decipher my message by extracting the words that are pertinent to you from a soup of interjections like: "yes honey just a minute, nonono don't eat that, dogs would you stop barking, kids we cant come out to play yet, please come down from there, yes i love you too, please let go of mommy's phone, yes love just a minute".
You won't run the risk of having to wait while I pause to: take something out of the oven, vomit, extract things from mouths, give a time-out, wipe up some kind of fluid, vomit, kiss an owie, and struggle to recapture my train of thought. (Or pee. By the time I will have written this I'll probably have gone and peed about 27 times.)
Typing is so much easier! I can start, stop, resume when I have 3 seconds and 5 brain cells to spare, and send it all off as one neatly packaged, purified thought! And even better, if you answer in kind, I can read your words, and then re-read them after I totally forget what we were talking about because OMG did someone just eat a booger that is disgusting who was it. I can read them in some momentary lull in which I can actually consider what you are saying and how to appropriately respond.
Whereas on the phone, I am likely to respond with something like: "uh huh, sorry what?, can you hang on just a sec, can I think about it and call you back, absolutely NOT miss no I wasn't talking to you, or, sorry what?"
I'm telling you. I love to hear your voice. I miss it. I know typed messages are not the same as an actual conversation and I know it is annoying to have to text or message and then wait who-knows-how-long to get a response. But really, you would wait that long to get the same amount of information even if we were talking on the phone. And trust me, it would not be as like a "conversation" as you might think.
So for those of you I have been rudely not calling, I will post an update soon. With things I would probably talk about with you over coffee if the smell didn't make me nauseous, you didn't live so far away, and I could speak to one person for over 15 seconds consecutively. And also, I'm sorry.
But, trust me, it's for your own good.