Tsunami part 2: TX2

Some more stories from our trip back in the spring...
They said "ya'll come back now". So we did! Back to TX.
But not the San Antonio Texas of our Big Texas trip. East Texas this time; land of accents thick as sweet Southern tea. Little One and I parted ways with J for awhile, to stay with my grandparents. It's been a tough time for them, and I was supposed to be helping. By the end of the first week, I had only narrowly kept Little One from destroying all the family heirlooms. So I'm not toooo sure about my prowess in the helpfulness department. But Little One and I, we had fun! We settled in and checked things out.
Their East Texas town is tiny, but it hasn't forgotten its good Southern manners; they do not have Trader Joe's, for instance, but all the ladies have perfectly manicured nails. The Almighty is big all over Texas, but especially mighty here, where alcohol is banned in the whole county, and probably ouija boards as well. My grandparents, though, they are rebels living on the edge. I was looking for Kahlua to make tiramisu** one day, and I found this:

Woo hoo. I felt pretty snickery and winky. It was like living in a Speakeasy! Maybe I didn't realize how hard-core these two are! (actually it was all inherited from a friend. But it does come in handy for tiramisu, and we did decide to make the most of it and have a margarita night!)
But besides the snickering and winking, we were supposed to be helping out. And Little One did more than Her fair share.
She did a lot of yardwork, for instance.


She even watered.


And harvested flowers.


She sorted mail. Several times a day.


She fed the fish.


And walked the fish.


And walked the great-grandparents.


She gave spelling lessons.


Swept up.


Helped with laundry.


And dishes!


Why, She even cleaned the tub.


But don't think it was all chores. Not with those two around! We also had a lot of fun.

We went for a picnic and walk through the fabulous Rose and Azalea gardens

We got to sit in on Her Great-Grandaddy's Big Band practice! She danced up a storm. She even got to bring Her own instrument and play along! Afterward She had Her first trumpet lesson. I love to see Her learning from the Master!

We went to another zoo, and I have to say it was my favorite. It's a small, private zoo, but just amazingly set up with really neat animals and wonderful enclosures. Little One positively loved dragging Her grandparents around and showing them all the amazing sights. At the end there was even a petting zoo so She could smother small goats with love and kisses. I didn't get a picture. I was busy keeping Her from dragging one home with us.

Of course one of the best parts was that we had a few visits from some of our favorite fan club members! We miss everyone so much!

** If you have never gone into a grocery store and asked a salesperson, who has absolutely no idea what you are talking about, if they have any lady fingers, you should.

Rock You

When Little One want's you to pick Her up, She says, "up you"
When She wants you to hold Her hand and walk with Her She says, "walk you"
When She wants a kiss for Her owie She says "fix you"
When She wants to snuggle in the rocking chair, She says, "rock you"

I don't know what She's dreaming about tonight. But I heard Her voice, tiny and wavering, talking in Her sleep. Saying, "rock you...rock you..."
I crept in and peered over to make sure She was really sleeping. I didn't want to wake Her. But I almost answered Her wish, even if it did come from a dream.

Goblins, Goldfish, and Other Monsters

Yesterday I wrote about Little One's imaginary demons. Today I am thinking about Her real ones. A little while ago, Little One and I spent a day in the hospital with Her pediatric allergy specialists. After the exam She was poked 5 times in the back, leading to 20 minutes of intense itching She was not allowed to scratch. Then She had Her blood drawn. Good times!
But She was so brave throughout all of it, even telling the nurses "Ten tu!" afterward, when they awarded Her with a sticker. I was pretty cheery about the whole thing too, considering, because J and I were feeling very hopeful that it would all end with some good news.
Most kids outgrow most of the food allergies that Little One has. Though Her doctors have always told us they can't promise this (because they've never seen anyone so young with these problems, or anyone with such a severe case) they have always told us to maintain the hope that most of the dangers will pass in time.
These tests from our day o'fun measured not just whether She is still allergic to these things (peanut/nuts, milk/dairy, soy, egg, pineapple, citrus fruits, strawberries), but also how severe the allergy is to each one. We were sincerely hoping, even expecting, that Her levels had gone down since the last round of tests. While She's still too little for that news to mean She could have those foods, it would at least be a very encouraging sign for Her future.
Well, the results are in. The great and fantastic news is that Her egg allergy has abated some. Her level of allergy to egg is still in the "high" category, but that it's going down is a great sign. Yay for moving in the right direction!
The bad news is that all of Her other allergies have become worse. In some cases, far worse. The ige level is an indicator of how severe an allergy is. 6 is considered the high end of the scale, "very severe". This is what Her milk allergy was last time. We were sure it had gone down. Unfortunately, it has tripled. And Her peanut allergy? IN THE 8O'S. Which is so far off the chart, it can't even see the chart anymore. Strawberry and citrus fruits like lemon are also outrageously high.
The specialists aren't sure why things have become so much worse. It may be because, as careful as we are, She has been repeatedly exposed to these things by picking up crumbs on the floor, or getting touched or kissed by people who have been handling or eating those things. The problem is that every time She comes in contact with one of those foods, Her body becomes more allergic to it.
There was one time She was accidentally given beans laced with cheese and milk and had several bites before we realized it. Because She was totally fine, we assumed Her allergy to milk was gone, or at least lessened. But the doctor explained that cooking denatures the milk proteins that cause the allergy, making them less dangerous. And that that event may well be the reason Her milk allergy is SO much worse now. Meaning that if She ate the same thing today, it could kill Her.
And Her allergist was very, very sure to drive home to me the concept that these foods can kill Her. She kindly but firmly scolded me, reviewing Little One's chart, letting me know that there have been times we didn't use the epipen when we should have. Times when we were, as she put it, "sheerly lucky" that Little One's body made enough epinephrine of it's own for Her to survive, and that I had, as she put it, "Taken a chance which could very well have ended with your child dying". She made me practice jabbing Little One with a de-clawed epipen until she was convinced I was comfortable enough to do it in real life, at the first sign of needing it.
J and I are shocked. Maybe we haven't taken this as seriously as we should have, but we felt we had been so careful that we are truly shocked to hear how dangerously we have been living.
And we are really, really disappointed with the test results. We are scared to know that each time we leave the house, every time we cook or eat, we could be putting our child at risk. We are saddened to know that this threat is something that will likely hang over Her head for always. And that, as She gets older, She will increasingly have to be left out and made to be different from Her peers. This is already surfacing.
Would we like to go berry picking at the farm with friends? Yes! We love that! Wait- strawberry picking? Oh. We will be staying home. Would Little One like to play with the other children at the playpark? Yes! She'd love that! Wait- all those kids are eating drippy ice cream cones. Oh. We will be corralling Her to one corner all by Herself. To watch Her little eyes covet the treats and search for an understanding of why She can't make friends. Or use the slide, all gooey from melting snacks.
A trip to the playground means wondering who has had oranges for snack and if they washed their hands. A family outing to a restaurant means hoping no one will think She's cute and pinch Her cheeks with their french-fry fingers, leaving swelling welts on Her face. Leaving Her parents staring at Her in a way that scares Her, monitoring Her breathing.
Before we had this appointment, I was considering joining a gym where there is an included child care with a big window so my over-protective self could peek in at Her now and then. But the kids, of course, are allowed to bring snacks. A stray goldfish cracker while the babysitter isn't looking could be devastating. We have been enjoying some playgroups centered around a meal for moms and kids. But She is so mobile now, they all are, that it's impossible to monitor whose hands have been in yogurt or cheese and then on the blocks. Which could then make Her sick. Her doctors have told us to seriously consider whether we think those things are worth the danger they pose.
How are we to balance letting Her socialize, explore, and be a part of the world with keeping Her safe? Right now we are not sure. And She's so little we can't explain it to Her. How do we explain that it is nice to hug our friends, but not when they have spilled milk on their T-shirt? What do we say when She cries because everyone at a party gets cake except Her?
But we also have to consider the consequences of enveloping Her in a bubble, especially now, when She's learning how the world is supposed to work, how to get along with others, and has so much to discover. We are exhausting ourselves constantly deliberating every tiny choice.
I'm sorry this post is so long, so rambling, and so totally un-fun. I wish I could make it funny. I wish I could encircle it all with a silver lining, and we are trying to focus on the positive things, like the improving egg allergy. But the truth is that as much as I'm ashamed to feel so sorry for ourselves, as much as I know we could have far, far worse issues to deal with and in the scheme of things are very lucky...well....we are feeling discouraged.
Little One is thriving and happy and a pure joy to us. We know that is wonderful. Her problems are tiny compared to those of some. But we are Her parents. We don't want Her to be better off than some people. We want everything, everything to be ok. We want to force it to be.
Yesterday I wrote about how wonderful it is to have Her belief in us give us the power to drive away Her imaginary monsters. But today I'm afraid we are lamenting our inability to fight off Her real threats. And dreading the day that She realizes our helplessness too. Little One's fear of a shadow, something scary that follows Her, that can't be made to let go, yesterday seemed silly. But today we feel it too.

Chasing Shadows

Little One made a discovery, swinging in the bright clear sun. She saw it, skimming over the faded wood chips, whizzing along beside Her.
"That?!" She asked me, all giddy.
"That's your shadow, Little One. Sha-dow."
Little One was delighted. "SHAA! SHAA!"
We had a lot of fun, waving at our shadows and watching them wave back. Kicking legs from the swing and watching Shadow kick it's legs too. "Look Little One! Mommy's shadow is blowing you kisses!"
"Yaaaaaaaay!"
But.....ahem. Perhaps I personified the shadow a bit too much.
Because when She got out of the swing something terrible happened. The shadow. It got Her! It grabbed onto Her feet! And try as She may- running off, kicking it, jumping, sitting down and trying to yank it off- it would not let go.
Mommy eventually saved Her from the complete meltdown of terror. Apparently mommies and daddies can scare the shadow into letting go when they pick Her up. She has learned that. So She knows who to turn to now when the Shadow attacks.
Because, unfortunately, the thing stalks Her.
She'll be out just minding Her own business, playing in the park or the back yard, and suddenly! There it is! Clamped onto Her toes again! Even taking off Her shoes and running away doesn't stop this thing. It follows Her.
We are working on convincing Her that Shadow can't hurt Her. It's hard when She's got tears streaming down Her cheeks and She's clawing Her way up my leg. Suggestions are welcom, Peanuts. Bring them on! Because I want Her to know that She can't run up mommy's back to escape Her problems; She has to face them! I want Her to learn that the Unknown is not always something to be feared; I want Her to try understanding first. I want Her to be brave, and not to... well... to be afraid of Her own shadow.
At the same time, though. She is becoming so grown-up and intrepid in so many ways. She no longer peeks out from behind my skirt at the playground. Or needs my hand to turn an unfamiliar corner. The walkable world for Her is no longer limited to a 15 foot radius with me at its center. Nope. She's off and running now! Streaking towards the cluster of children by the slide, forging along the hiking trail with me- as I will be for the rest of, well, forever- trying to keep up and watching Her go further and further from me without looking back to make sure I'm still there. These things make me proud. And they make me miss Her.
So as much as I want Her to outgrow this silly little fear, this funny little misconception about a trick of light, I have to cherish the innocence of it. To treasure, in a way, the moments left in which anything is possible; jackets transmorphing into monsters behind an open closet door, shadows on the ground springing to life. And the very few moments left in which I get to be Her Sun, infused with the power to chase them all away.
I wish it could always be so.

We've Been Square Dancing for Two Weeks

EEEEEEeeeeveryone line up here we go
Little One and a bad cold doh-see-doh
Turn to J and pass it on
Hand it off to C as soon as it's gone
Fever and chills join the line
Headache, sore throat at the same time!
C recover, Little One too
J hops in again with cough and goo
*SWITCH PARTNERS!*
Before J gets better
Little One down
Then a round of coughing, all around
Fevers! Pink eye! Up ALL night!
Aaaaaaaallll together now! Turn to your right.
Boogers over here, boogers over there.
Boogers till there's no more jammies to wear!
J grabs a cough, swing and step
C with the fever, one step ahead!
Little One center, dance with them each
Gulp a little Motrin
Fall in a heap

I figured out why grown-ups are so uncool

I think it's because we don't realize that we are old.
Like with Little One, when we got home I'm pretty sure our friends were shocked at the change in Her since we left. But since I see Her every day the changes are gradual and so (at least somewhat) less apparent.
Sort of like aging. I see my mug over the bathroom sink every day, and it just looks like my face. Now, if I went to sleep at 20 and woke up and looked in the mirror and saw this, I'd be like, "AAAaaiiiiIyyAAAA!!!!" The insides are like that too. I'm graduated, twice, I have a husband, a house, 2 dogs, a child and I still don't really feel like a grown up.
Sometimes, as a mom, that freaks me out! Children should not be parented by ungrown-ups! We lack the maturity to be perfect and the sagacity to have all the right answers! I'm going to screw Her up. I should have waited 'till I was an almighty Adult. Until I was ready to do everything right and not screw Her up!
But I think I would have waited forever. Because there was no one big definitive Moment- not even becoming a mom- that suddenly made me feel like a "grown up". I was concerned about this before, when I was pregnant and high on mind-altering hormones. But I thought, look. Deep breath! Surely having a baby will morph me into an adult, and we'll just go from there. But I held tiny Little One a few days after She was born, and marveled. Hunh. Nope, nada. Still felt like me, just sleepier. Gah! Emotional babies having babies!
And I still do! I still get impatient sometimes, I forget my appointments and leave my phone in the fridge. I never wear sunscreen! That is so irresponsible! I don't want this person raising my child!
The major difference between me now and then is that I no longer have time to pay attention to any part of society that is taller than 32 inches. I don't know what famous people are on the A list or the B list. I don't even know who's famous. Or what I'm supposed to be wearing. Where did I used to get this information? I don't know. I don't have time to think about that! Someone has put rubber bands in the toilet!
I just spend my days rotating around Little One like a moon, powerless to participate in the rest of the universe, bound by the forces of gravity and scheduled nap times. And so I lose touch with whatever it is people do now that makes them cool. Does anyone even say that anymore? I might as well say groovy. Or is groovy cool again? What? This is too much work. Somebody has put rubber bands in the dishwasher!
It's a shame that I will never, apparently, be a grown up. I'll never be a mommy like I imagined I would be, all serene and knowing, stopping hints of bad behavior with a raised eyebrow instead of wrestling through 4 flailing time outs in a row. And it's too bad that I will be much too absorbed with picking rubber bands out of the laundry hamper to learn how to be cool. I guess. But then again.
The nice thing about being an un-trendy parent who isn't even a really real Grown-Up is that I get to get in on the puddle-splashing action. I get to go down the slide head first. I get to throw caution and responsible parenting to the wind and hike barefoot, way off the trail, in a storm. To play in a hidden waterfall.

We arrived back at the car drenched. My hair was plastered all over my face, no one had on shoes, J was covered in mud, Little One wasn't wearing any pants. Not very well-planned, grown-up behavior! And definitely not very fashionable. But, to me? To me now, with my shuffled up priorities and expectations, and living in the moment because nothing will ever be predictable again? Very cool.

Get Out Your Life-Vest

Ok. Here goes. Take a deep breath! The catch-up tsunami is on.
Some of these are separate posts that I meant to put up ages ago but never got around to, some I never put in at all. It's a long, long mishmash. But since SOME of you have been HARASSING me about these things, and since this blog is presently the closest thing Little One has to a scrapbook, I will subject the rest of you to the whole shebang also. Sort of like how that one loud kid in class makes it so everyone has to give up recess. Sheesh. There's one in every lot, Peanuts!
So first: Arizona.

Other than meeting Leggy Baby and participating in the wedding festivities, we made the rounds to some other VIP's in the area. Most of them I didn't get pictures of, and so they get left out. I still love you guys though! Just not quite as much! Because some people did pose for the camera.

For instance Sparkles and Flips here. I call them that because it's what I called them in high school, and no it's not really that long of a story but I'm still not going to tell you why. Because it's a secret! No, no it's not. (But it's more fun if we pretend it was.) Anyways when I went to my first high school these two lived across the street from me, and we were inseparable! Except for the hormonally mandated teen-girl friendship breaks for despising one another. Other than that, we were inseparable! It's lucky that we still keep in touch, and even luckier that I got to see them all grown up and meet Flips' adorable kiddos. Even if it is hard to recognize them without doc martens and really big bangs.

We also got to see my friend K and meet Her little baby, BB. K writes over on http://barkingbaby.blogspot.com/ and has some great tips about green parenting. We went to the same high school and college, but it wasn't until we started reading each others blogs that we really got to know each other. Isn't that weird? And kind of cute? Like internet dating!
Here is our first real-life mom-date. We had a blast and so did the kids. I wish we lived closer!

Guess what else. We went to the Biosphere. BIOSPHERE! DO you have ANY idea how much this science nerd has been DYING to go to the biosphere for YEARS?! Since I moved to Tucson I'm-so-not-telling-you-how-many years ago and never made it out to see it. Enough to use a LOT OF CAPITAL LETTERS! I don't care if it was a "failed experiment". It was an incredible feat of engineering and one of the few tangible examples of how you can make fantastical dreams come true, with enough smarts, persistence, and belief in yourself (and money). Like the Taj Mahal! Sorta. Plus it is really, really interesting science. Plus I thought that Pauly Shore movie was hilarious. I'm sorry, (I really am) but I did. So I cajoled some of my favoritest girls to join me, and we went to the BIOSPHERE!





After which we partook of another of man's greatest achievements; good Mexican food. Which, like the biosphere, does not exist on the east coast. Little One's favorite part was the decor. Poor thing. She thought She spied a guapo hijo to be Her amor. She smothered him in besos. I didn't have the heart to tell Her it was just one of those creepy doll-things made to look like a kid leaning on the wall. Star-crossed, these two. She cried a little when we left him.


We also went to the Tucson Zoo, home of this regal and fierce King of the Jungle! Or, well...it has a mane, anyways....and it's probably alive...might even have a few teeth...in the back, somewhere....But! The real animal to watch out for is the vicious giraffe! I will have you know that it tried to actually eat my small child! Seriously, it did. Buuuut it wasn't really vicious, so much as confused. See. Here we were letting Little One feed it big, green leaves of lettuce. And there She is in a sort of billowy dress, in a rather unfortunately similar shade of green. So one can hardly blame the creature for sticking out it's loooong, slobbery tongue, wrapping it like a serpent around Little One's skirt and reeling Her in. One can screech "eeew!" and douse the baby in hand sanitizer, but not exactly blame. Fortunately it realized its mistake and spat Her back out so that we could enjoy more adventures.


There is another visit we made. We went to see Bernice's memorial stone. Do you know that the one thing not covered by Bernice's pre-arranged burial was $150 to carve the date of her death on the headstone? And that $150 exactly how much money I "inherited" from her when she died? Weird how these things work out. Little One and I found her spot under the olive tree and remembered her, and wished she could have met Little One. We even left her a little present, so she would know we were there.

I'm sorry to say that this wasn't our only reminder of the finite nature of life on this trip. After a rather sudden turn for the worse, and a really hard week in the hospital, J's grandfather passed away. I hate that he is gone, because for one thing he was a really funny guy. Just a few days before he died he was still flirting with the nurses and cracking jokes. But I'm so grateful that we could be there together, the whole family, to support him and each other. And that we had a chance to see him before he got so sick. He adored Little One and She always liked him especially too, since She was tiny. When She was just a few months old I remember him soothing Her colic just by rocking and talking to Her. It was amazing. He had a way with people. Maybe it was that he was always, always smiling. We will miss him a lot.


But like I said, it was good to be there as a big family, and a lot of what we did in AZ was just hang out and spend time together. Little One got to have a lot of time with Her aunts and uncle and grandparents. She had a special bond with Her Grandad, perhaps because he made such a good effort at speaking Her language. And She even bonded with the family pooch.






We all took a tram out into Sabino canyon and played in the river. Little One would not stay out of the water. Finally I gave in and waded in with Her. This was the desert, yes. But it was also MARCH. In the picture down there I am going, "Ouch ouch omigoooooodness ohmigosh!" like a sissypants as my leg muscles actually cramped up from the cold. Little One was not the least phased. Even though Her legs were purplish red when I finally convinced Her to make for land, She kept wanting back in. This is how much She loves water.




Cut to later that day when She was running around in public without pants-having soaked them in the river- and spotted a fountain. Thankfully J was there to recover Her quickly, as She toppled in head first, reaching for the water. This nearly killed me, Peanuts. Little One, who spent the rest of the day nekid, having now soaked Her shirt too, thought it was great fun.

SO you can see that we escaped AZ just in the nick of time. It was definitely making my baby go all tough and desert cowgirl on me. Next thing I know She'd be playing with rattlesnakes and sleeping on a cactus pillow. My blood pressure cannot take this, Peanuts! But still. It's good to know that the progeny of J and myself, as She should, has a little bit of Wildcat in Her.