It turns out that taking the trash to the curb, and doing all the things J used to do at home, and minding munchkins by myself isn't so rough after all. In fact, don't tell, but it's sort of a breeze! I was kind of surprised by that! Easy peasy!
Uh..but. It also turns out that holymolyohmygoodnessgeezelouise I miss that J. It's sappy and a little pathetic and really not a breeze at all. I was kind of surprised by that! Also! In not such a good way!
And so I spend like all my free time writing him emails and letters like a lovesick teenager, because it makes me feel better somehow to talk towards him, if that's the best I can do.
Little One is in the same sappy love-boat. She still wakes up crying for him. Her stack of colorful letters to Daddy closely rivals my volume of emails. She creates elaborate plans in which She is building the BIGGEST boat EVER in the wor-wold and soon, maybe after nap, She's going to sail all through the ocean to J and get him and bring him back. And he will have to come, because Her boat is the BIGGEST. She asks me to show Her where we are on the globe, and where he is. She offers to go and help him do his job with teamwork so that he can get done faster and come home. We both sulk a little.
Even Little Miss misses J. Sometimes something will remind Her of him, usually Her sister's pouting, and She'll go wandering the house, "Dada! DaDA! Daadeeeeeee!!" looking for him. Sometimes the two of them pound into my brain from the back seat, wailing "Dada Dada Dada Dada!!" until I crash into a tree to make it stop. Just kidding. I say what I really mean, "I miss Daddy too."
Really, it's all beautiful. Because how lucky can a bunch of girls get, to have a J who is so wonderful that we miss him this hard, and it has nothing to do with what he does for us, and everything to do with just having him there.
And of course, we have each other. We keep each other pretty busy. Plus, as Little One said, "We have to give our'chothers lots and lots and extra hugs, to fill up the daddy spots that are running out hugs, till he comes back with some more." And we do!
Tonight Little Miss, who loves a bedtime snuggle but otherwise isn't really the huggy-kissy type, looked up at me and squinched up Her lips. She held onto my ears, and planted a kiss right on my nose. Then She leaned back, gave me a million-dollar Little Miss smile, and then placed a tiny kiss on my cheek. My other cheek, My forehead. My chin. Both shoulders, and my nose once more. Then She gave me another grin, and went to bed.
I tucked in Little One who asked (as She always does) for extra extra snuggles and put Her arms around my neck. Hugged me tight. And told me that I am the BEST momma, ever the world had a momma, and She loves me SSOooooooo much. And She will even love me when I'm very very old, when She will carry me around- because She'll be so big- and do all the nice things I do like make breakfast and color with me.
After those sweet goodnights, I went off to bed in a house that was very empty, very quiet. Very J-less. But I was thankful that my babies had given me such sweet reminders that I am not at all alone. That I have the best fortification a heart could have- the love of children. My girls are wonderful. A big part of why they are, is that they have J for a father. What a gift that even when J is an entire world away from me, I have two pieces of him right here, to kiss goodnight.
So true. When Mattias is away I miss his company and friendship 100xs more than his help. Hang in there and know we Karlssons are thinking of you.
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