Monsters

Tonight while I was at yoga, thinking I was all deep and philosophical with my "Om" and my conscious breathing and my Savasana, the real existentialism was going on at home.
As J was tucking Her in, Little One confided that She had a worry.
She thought She had a "bad brain".
So he asked Her.  Why do you think your brain is Bad?
She said it was because She was having nightmares.  She had bad nightmares, She said, about monsters.  Monsters chasing Her. So Her brain must be bad.
Poor J.  He reassured Her that Her brain was not bad and had a long talk with Her about dreams, what they are, how everyone has nightmares sometimes.  Why, he himself has had nightmares!  In fact, he's had lots of bad dreams, since he has been alive a long time.
Which led Little One to ask whether- since he's been alive a long time- he was going to die?
What a lot of worries for such a little head. 
Whenever Little One has had fears about monsters, J has told Her that if She ever sees a monster She should laugh at it.  Laugh at it, and it will go away.  Which has worked so far.
But tonight She told him that in Her dreams, only the little monsters will go away if She laughs at them.  The big ones, She said, She has to fight.  She has to fight them to make them go away.
When J was telling me all this (after He had talked it out with Her and sent Her peacefully to sleep thank goodness) we stood there in the kitchen looking at each other as if to say, "did you just see that two-headed goat fly through the window in a hot air balloon?"
We were all "whoa", and aghast, and like, stunned from being slapped upside the head with a big piece of oh-so-this-is-when-parenting-gets-all-tricky...damn.
My first reaction was where the heck did She get all this?  Brains being "bad"? She must have heard that somewhere?  Fighting monsters? Fighting? What?!
My next reaction was to want very badly to be able to get into Her dreams with Her, somehow, so that I could take those suckers out myself. I'd like to see those nightmare monsters try to mess with this mama.  Bring. It.
My next thought was of course gratitude, for the fact that J was the one who happened to get to deal with this.  I will take the period talk, you get bad brains and nightmares and the inevitability of death.  Fair's fair, right?
But after awhile (and maybe a glass of wine) I chilled out a little and thought it through.  Here are the things I like about this kind of disturbing conversation:
I like foremost that when Little One had a worry, even a worry that She thought was shameful-something wrong with Her- She had the courage to tell Her dad.  I like that She knew he was a safe place to bring that fear to, someone who would listen and help, without judging or hurting.  I like that a lot.
I like that She is not afraid to ask hard questions.
I like that even in Her sleep, Her deep subconscious, She has internalized some of the lessons Her parents have taught Her- including How To Deal With Monsters.
And despite my initial horror at the idea of Little One fighting anything, ever, I have to say that there's something else I like, the more I think of it.  Little One says that the big monsters, She has to fight.  She fights them and then they get scared and run away.
You know what.  We all have our demons, our monsters to face.  Some of us spend a lifetime figuring out that you can't run from them. You can't hide from them.  You can't always laugh them off.  Sometimes, you have to face them.  Sometimes in life scary stuff happens and you have to just go in arms flailing and feet flying, screaming and fighting and Manning. Up.

A lot of us never get to the part where if we fight our demons, they will get scared of our awesome fury and run away. This girl has that down at age three.  I hope She remembers it, in real life.
Today at school a little boy apparently chased Her around the room. With something from his lunch that She was allergic to, telling Her to eat it.  I wasn't there to stop him.  She had to tell him NO Herself.  You see, I guess it's good I can't get into Little One's dreams to fight Her monsters for Her.  I won't be able to fight most of Her Life Monsters for Her.  She has to do it on Her own, now and always.  So I'll stop wishing it. I guess.  Instead, I will believe in Her ability.
But I do hope that whenever those Life Monsters come Her way, that if She starts to worry something is wrong with Her, or if She's scared, or just tired from the fight, She'll always know who will be there to listen.  To remind Her that She is intrinsically Good. That She is never alone, that She is loved.  I hope She'll always know that even when Her troubles find Her in places we can't follow, we'll always be right here for Her to come back to, hugs waiting.