Gloves and Zippers

Today I got the (yellow) gloves out. 

I said, “House.  Meet my two dear associates, Bleach and Sponge. I see that you are not particularly well-acquainted.  But you will be working very closely with one another in the coming months, so lets all just get cozy, hmm?”

The thing about forty year-old grout is that, ick. 

But here’s hoping the zombies will be discouraged, and at least I feel ten times less like breathing into a paper bag when I sit on the floor to bathe the babies. 

This scrubbing frenzy was just what I needed anyways.  Because I do not have my beloved kitchenaid mixer, Peanuts.  I do not have my flour sifter. I do not have pans, and so therefore, I cannot bake.  Scrubbing is the next heir in line for stress-smashing, and today was a big day. 

It was Little One’s first day of school without me.  The first day, J and Miss and I all accompanied Her the whole time. The next day, just I did.  Then I came with Her but left partway through.  Yesterday, I walked her there and then hid out in the office, mentally chewing my nails off all morning.  OK all hour and a half.  This first week is half-time. 

But today.  Today J took Her, dropped Her off, and came home.  Where I was deep in pools of Clorox, the better for the fumes to keep my mind off of the fact that my BABY was at school, all by herself, without me there. At all.  Even a little. 

A tough day, guys. 

Separation anxiety. Feelings of abandonment. Fear of the unknown.  The hesitating, the tears. 

All me, of course. 

Yesterday we arrived at school and She announced, “I’m so ‘CITED for mine school day!” When I lagged behind at the threshold, She turned and asked, “You comin’ mommy?”  When I said no, that I would see Her after school today, She said, “Ok! Bye-bye!” and blew me half a kiss over Her shoulder as She walked in. 

At the end of the day She proudly showed me the picture She had made.  On the walk home, Her little hand in mine, She looked up at me and smiled.  “Mommy! Today at school, I not whine! I not do any cryin’!

I'm so, so proud of my baby girl. My big girl, actually.  I'm so happy for this new territory in Her life, where She gets to have one that's just Hers, that's not completely also mine.  I'm happy for Her because She is a Person, a real one, and She deserves an existence of Her own; She deserves to make Her own way in the big world and to see for Herself that She can do it Herself.
I'm happy for Miss because it means time for Her to be the center of the universe, which every baby should be sometimes.
I'm happy for me because I get to see the thrill in Little Ones' eyes when She has something new to tell me about Her big adventures, because I get to snuggle with my little baby in the quiet morning, and I get to have some time to get things done while Miss sleeps and I can know that Little One is happily engaged elsewhere. 
But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a little sad for me, too.  Because I miss Her.
And because it's the kick-start to something inevitable. 
Little One and I started out like a zipper, entirely enmeshed in each other, literally a part of one another.  But as life goes, that little zipper falls, and we peel away from each other, bit by bit.  Oh I know that when it comes down to it, we'll always be connected.  But because we're destined to be two grown-ups someday, we have to come apart, bit by bit.  It's a good thing.  But bittersweet. 
I've been thinking about how odd it will be, now, when She tells a story that doesn't quite make sense, and I won't instantly know what She's talking about, because I won't have the context.  Because I'm not there anymore, for all Her little moments in life. She's out having little moments without me! 
Good for Her.  I'm proud.  I'm happy! I have to go clean something.